Journal

i don't know exactly why i've been feeling that way...i've been crying a lot, too...over stupid things mostly...and sometimes crying for...i just don't know why.

on friday, the detective called me with the news that they would no longer be going through with the investigation.

my feelings on that: i feel really let down...i feel like no one believes me. and i feel like i lost and he won.

on sunday, my sister had her wedding. i was her maid of honor. since friday, i've been feeling real crappy...but i seemed to have pulled off a "happy" person.

but i've been covering everything up...i've been trying to just keep busy and pretend that none of it ever happened...because i'm not strong enough to deal with all of this right now. it's like i have to keep moving or it's all going to come crashing down on me.

i just feel like everyone expects me to be the way i was before all of this happened. happy. my mom is always asking me, what happened to my happy child? and i feel like i'm letting her down because i feel like i can't be that person for her.

i feel like such a serious disappointment.

on top of that, i'm juggling my self-esteem issues because of my husband's encounter with adult sites again. i just feel like i'm not good enough. and if i'm not good enough for everyone else...what makes me good enough for my own son?

i never should have tried to press charges against my ex...i feel like i just shouldn't be here anymore...everything about me is so fake...that i just want to disappear. they won't miss me. they'll only miss the person they think i am. they'll miss the shell, but not what's inside.

i can honestly say that i am no longer in denial about having a trust issue.

i've already stated why i think my SO is seeing someone else. is he? or is he not? i don't know for sure.

why is it embedded in my head that there's a high chance that he really is seeing someone else though? it's like, i only give him the "wrong" choices. he says one thing...it's wrong. if he had picked the other, it would still be wrong. why am i like this? why am i setting him up for failure?

MIA AGAIN...

well...ANYWAY...

i've been feeling like i've been getting treated unfairly - with my parents AND with my SO. my parents have always given my brother WHATEVER he's wanted...they bought him a tv for his birthday when he was around 12. he got caught with drugs in his room...he got TALKED to (no grounding, no loss of privileges...how do i know? because that SAME weekend, he got to go to a HOTEL BIRTHDAY PARTY and he's ONLY THIRTEEN!)...

he got a cell phone and DOESN'T have to pay for it. he doesn't have a job (and you might be thinking, well, he's still in high school, he's probably in extra-curricular activites...getting good grades. think again. he's barely making it AND NOT into ANY extra-curricular activites because, according to him, that's "gay").

i need to finish this up...later...

p.s. i finished the 12 sessions goal a LONG time ago...

alright...i'm back...again. well, there's a lot of mixed feelings on my brother. he has a girlfriend that irritates the crap out of me. she's very disrespectful to me and ESPECIALLY to my parents (in their OWN home!). and maybe that's why i'm irritated with my parents. because they just let her come whenever even though she disrespects them.

so, therefore, she and my brother deserve each other. they're both the same. spoiled and disrespectul to everyone.

ANYWAY...well, my SO and i have hit another bump in our relationship. i was on the comuter and saw something. i don't really know why (maybe because the word "tube" was in the address) i clicked on it thinking youtube (which hasn't been working on my computer). thinking that it was now working, i clicked on it...only to be horrified by what i saw.

porn.

two days after seeing that, i talked to my SO about it (because he wanted to make love). idk which hurt more. the fact that he was looking...or the fact that i killed the mood for him.

i HATE sex. pretty much always have. once in a GREAT while, i'll be okay to initiate it...but most of the time, i just do it for him. what kind of wife would i be? idk whether he talks to his friends about it...but i wouldn't want to be talked about...especially not about that. i already get self-conscious when it's 8p (and he said he wouldn't be out late) and i'm calling him and i'll hear his friends in the backround saying "what? your wife got you on a curfew?"

that's NOT why i'm calling. i just call to make sure that everything is okay! i guess i'm just real sensitive. but idk. i just don't want his friends saying, "what? your wife don't give it up every night?" or something along those lines.

but him looking at PORN...i know i should try to understand that it's normal for a guy to look at porn and all that stuff...(because they're more "visual" or whatever)...but it's just hard for me. i mean, seriously. i look at those women...and then i look at myself. i know they're supposed to look like that...but jeez. idk.

it's like, i know why that would stimulate a guy. i mean, look at them! but i can't be like that. and if i tried, it would kill me. it just makes me feel so...disgusted with myself. the sexiest i could ever be for my man is shorts (that aren't very short) and a shirt.

i hate my body. everything about it. maybe that's why i hate sex? it's just plain disgusting.