Journal

i am so sick of being in pain.  gone are the days when i would get tattoos or piercings not for pain, but it was a nice after effect i rather enjoyed.  i would look forward to this kind of pain.. of course there is the pain associated occasionally with sex.  that kind is nice to look forward to too. 

i am tortured by this awful constant pain otherwise though.  i cannot get rid of it.  i refuse to let the pain rule my life, or so i tell myself.  unfortunately i have stopped doing many of the things i have enjoyed, built my life on, all because it hurts so much i don't honestly think i can.  if i could somehow block the pain receptors in my brain without spending all my time working on relaxation and meditative techniques to do so, i woud be happy.  i am so full of happy little scenarios i think of when i wonder... what would my life be like if i didn't have all this pain, weakness and fatigue.  

now it seems my organs are starting to go against me, just as my muscles and joints, and head (migraines) has.  my gall bladder seems to be acting up.  i'm at a loss for what to really do about all this abdominal pain.  the doctor can run tests of sorts on me, but i have my doubts as to how helpful that will end up being.  besides i can't really afford the copays and deductables for them.  i'm stuck in a rut of sorts.  i want help, finally a doctor wants to help me out as she can and i can't afford the tests and i'm already losing hope.  my life is losing meaning and my pain is increasing.  how long am i supposed to put up with this pain and stress?  if i could just think it away, i would.  happy thoughts can only get me so far.  perhaps i'm just not thinking enough hopeful thoughts.  this is not the way i want my body to feel.  i want the exquisite, pain with a purpose i used to seek.  

i want to scream obsenities, rage away until i am exhuasted.  or maybe i want to take too much pain medecine and slip into a peaceful sleep with no pain.   i don't want to die.  i want to live, i just want a body transplant.  i want to definitely know what is wrong with me and have it dealt with in a hopefully not too painful and very effective manner.  i don't want a doctor run-around and trial and error.  

my health is deteriorating again.  my vision in my right eye comes and goes in varying intensity, my muscle spasms have returned badly, the heavy weakness, muscle fatigue in my legs is so bad that i can barely stand at times.  my migraines are acting up as well.  i was feeling pretty good for awhile.  i think i need to quit my job earlier than i planned because i can't force myself to stand and attempt to put on a happy face when i'm fighting the urge to lay on the ground and space out, ignoring all around me, untill i feel strong enough to move around. 

AAHHHHH!  i'm frustrated and scared.  my mobility is  being taken away from me and i don't know what to do about it.  i suppose i'll go beg for help from a neurologist.  pay for expensive tests and visits that will probably yield nothing but more stress for me because the tests may come back normal and i'll not be believed.  just like it happened two years ago.  however, i'm losing the ability to function normally and that simply is not okay.