Wistala's Journal

I feel a little like the people that run over glowing hot coals with bare feet.  When I first started learning about PTSD, it was like looking out over that long, red-hot coalbed and being terrified about what would happen if I took that first step.  Once I got going, learning, sharing, remembering, exploring, it really WAS a run through the fire.  Some of it was quite painful, sometimes I wished I could go back to not knowing, and I often wondered if I'd ever find solid ground on the other end.

Now I feel like I've finally reached the cool grass at the other end of that firebed.  I finally took a moment today to stop and look back over it.  Wow, what a journey the last ten months have been!  I have learned so much, and I have survived it.  I know that I'll never have to walk through that fire again. That's not to say my feet will never get hurt again, but now that I "understand" the glowing coals, they aren't going to be so daunting.   I know if I get burned in the future, I will be able to see it from this new perspective at the far side of the fire.  I will know that it's natural for burns to hurt, and I will no longer make it worse by worrying about it.  They will heal.   They WILL heal.

Some of my new-found perspective and optimism also come from an opportunity that presented itself recently.  The daughter of a coworker, who has developmental challenges and also PTSD, is being forced out of school by a misinformed school department.  They are trying to peg her as violent, when what is really happening is that her PTSD is triggered sometimes and the staff don't know how to handle it... so they inadvertently make it worse. 

After hearing her dad's story of fighting the school board's assessment, and all the love and effort he is putting into trying to help her get the best care and education possible, I realized this little girl is worth putting my secret on the line.  (My secret is my PTSD... I'm afraid that if people find out about it, I may be removed from my HR position.)  But here is a little girl who is suffering because people don't understand her PTSD.  They may even be angling to have her removed from her parents to be placed into "residential schooling."  If things at school trigger her, can you imagine having your home right at the school where you have no escape????

We've all suffered from people who don't understand... If I could help the school board see that her reactions are instinctive, self-defense responses, and not voluntary bad behavior, they may look at her differently.  I gave her father a letter I wrote addressed to the school board, describing PTSD, its effects, both physical and emotional, and how they relate to her.  I also humbly offered my recommendation that they speak further with her psychiatrist and look into finding a special ed aid with PTSD training, who would learn to recognize her flashbacks coming on and be able to guide her to a safe place until they pass.

I was sick all that night, worrying about who else would find out about this letter, whether her parents would think I am just some weirdo, and all the other things that could go wrong.  The next morning, her dad came up to tell me how grateful both he and her mom were for that letter.  He said her mom felt better after reading it than she had in a long time. 

Hearing that, something changed inside me.  I had always felt that the traumas that cause my PTSD were only traumas that nothing good had ever come from.  I hadn't learned anything good from them, and hadn't found closure for them.  When he told me how the letter made them feel, it was like something positive had finally come from these things that happened to me.  I actually said to myself out loud after he left, "If I can help her, everything I went through will have been worthwhile."

I have no way of knowing if my efforts will ultimately help this girl, but I have decided I will do everything I can to support her and her family through this fight.  Even if it means standing up in front of the whole school board to answer questions about PTSD, I will do it.  There was no one to defend me at that age, and I may feel the effects of that forever.  If I can help one person, it WILL all have been worthwhile.  Please cross your fingers, say a prayer, or send your energy out to the Universe with the hope that the school's eyes are opened and this child is given the proper care and respect she deserves.