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leahanne 
10:12pm, September 19, 2009
So, yeah...it's been a long time. I have been going through a lot, and trying to keep it all together. Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I am extremely unhappy with my life and need to make some changes. With that being said...I have made some decisions.
1. I need to go back to school...so I've done some research and am seriously considering the field of phlebotomy. It sounds kind of interresting...poking nice people with needles and stealing their blood. LOL consider it part of my vampire obsession.
2. My marriage is a wreck...totalled, and beyond repair. So, I'm saving as much as I can and planning to move out. We discussed it and he refuses to find a new place, so it's up to me to do so to make myself more stable and possibly happy.
3. There are very few people in this world you can actually depend on. I have friends...and I have acquaintances...but I do not have many people that I can depend on to help me out of a tight spot or that I can call at 4 in the morning when I have had a nightmare...*shrug* it's okay though...I'm fine with that.
4. The people I care about are few...and they are worth it. You all know who you are *wink* Everyone is going through something and I understand that. There have been many times I wish I had been there for people but just couldn't muster the strength to do so. I plan to change that...I mean, how can I expect those people to be there for me if I can't return the favor.
So...that's enough for now I would think. I do want to apologize for just vanishing off the face of the interwebz and not letting anyone know that I was ok. You all deserve much better than that...especially from me. I am sorry...from the bottom of my heart.
UPDATED GOALS
lose 30 pounds
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 1
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control my depression
Progress 65%
Encouragements: 1
Add your support
Comments
I wonder if you know the stirs,
the flutters,
the dreams...
wandering in the dark
alone,
and afraid.
I wonder if you feel the pain,
the aching,
the suspicion...
that you are dying inside
slowly,
and completely.
I wonder if you see the light
bright,
and blinding...
playing to your doubts,
beckoning,
comforting.
I wonder if you hear me
calling,
pleading...
wanting to love you,
completely,
without question.
I wonder if you will return to me
wholly, and
unyielding...
stopping only to breathe
slowly,
in sync,
together...
as one.
the flutters,
the dreams...
wandering in the dark
alone,
and afraid.
I wonder if you feel the pain,
the aching,
the suspicion...
that you are dying inside
slowly,
and completely.
I wonder if you see the light
bright,
and blinding...
playing to your doubts,
beckoning,
comforting.
I wonder if you hear me
calling,
pleading...
wanting to love you,
completely,
without question.
I wonder if you will return to me
wholly, and
unyielding...
stopping only to breathe
slowly,
in sync,
together...
as one.
Comments
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/hug
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beautiful words Leahanne.... I so wish the sentiment was not so horribly sad tho'..... am thinking of you...
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i haven't slept in two days. i'm so disgusted with myself. i hate what i have become...this miserable, ugly, whining, waste of a person. this mood just doesn't seem to want to leave me, like it's how i should be. i blame my father for the not sleeping. my nights have been riddled with nighmares of his drunken visits to my room at night. i wake up and can still feel him touching me. i don't know how to stop this. i don't know how to make him get out of my head.
a few days ago i had to call the police on the pig across the street for beating his 12 year old daughter...and even just dialing the phone i was shaking so horribly and became so sick to my stomach, making me vomit. it all just came rushing back...hearing that little girl scream. my step mother was truly evil. i remember the burns, and the bruises, having to wear long sleeves when it was hot out to hide the marks. i remember huge chunks of my hair missing, and not being able to see because i "got hit with a ball" and my eyes were swollen shut. i can remember spending the night with a friend once and changing my shirt in front of her. i forgot that i was bruised all over my back. her face will forever be in my memory...the shock and disgust. she asked what happened, and i told her i fell off the trampoline. i know she didnt believe me...her mother came to me later and asked about it. i told her the same thing. i pray every day that i had told her the truth...that my stepmother was angry because she burned something she was cooking, and when i couldn't scrub the black off the bottom of the pan, she hit me with it...over and over...i tried to get to my room, but she just followed me, hitting and hitting.
i remember the sick feeling i would get every time i heard my bedroom door open in the middle of the night, and wishing i had the courage to scream.
i can still hear the words when i close my eyes in the dark..."it's because i love you so much." "all fathers teach their daughter's this way." "you can't tell anyone, or you know what will happen." i remember telling my sunday school teacher that my dad touches me, and her telling me "just try to stay away from him" even at 7 years old i wasn't worth saving. i want these memories to go away...i want to forget all of it. i want to scream and cry and make someone hear me. no one ever hears me. they didn't hear me then...and no one hears me now.
i have to leave this place for a while. i have been trying to avoid the boards...it's all too much for me to handle. i am so so sorry to anyone that needs help and i was not able to do anything. and i'm sorry that i won't be able to be here for anyone...but i just can't. i hurt so badly right now, and i just need to make it stop. don't worry, that's not a suicide threat! i promise i would never do that. i love my children and you all way too much for that, so no worries. i just don't know what to do. i haven't even had the energy to send hugs or keep up with journals in a week. i feel wretched about it...i am a horrible friend...i feel like i have let you all down, and it's breaking my heart.
i love you all, and don't worry...i'll be okay. i'm going to see someone next week about CBT...*thank you ruby*, and we shall see. i'll be back, if i'm needed...and i thank you all for just being here. i don't deserve the love you have tried to show me...even now, i am not worth saving...
UPDATED GOALS
control my depression
Progress 45%
Encouragements: 1
Add your supportComments
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Sweetie I am sorry that you went through all that but by being here you show yourself to be a survivor!
You have not let us down at all and you never need to be sorry for hurting, thats like saying sorry for a broken bone, it's not your fault.
Take time for you and get better. That is all any of us can wish for you
Here for you always
Love you
xxxxx
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hugs.sorry you went through that.
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:( im so sorry hun, but like S&S said, you are a survivior, and hun you have not let us down in any way. *hugz* take as much time as you need
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Ooooh, sending very supportive and caring thoughts to you, Leahanne. Please, never confuse the terrible things that have happened with WHO YOU ARE, because although it's tenmpting to feel that way, that stuff doesn't define you! You define you, you get to pick and choose what stays and what goes. It may take time, but you ARE free to decide, and how we use our energy is very important. I have had to learn the hard way how to decide these things---they don't leave us quickly, but they can fade with time. Getting help can make it happen even faster.
PLEASE don't disappear on me, now that I've gotten to know you a little! Much friendship, and many hugs, girlieB
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I'm so very sorry. You must be a very strong person to have survived such a terrible childhood. You are so loved here and i know you will be missed by many. i do hope you will be able turn things around for yourself. thinking of you xox
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awwww sweetheart Im so sorry. I'm sure just writing this entry was not easy for you to do, but you truely wanted to explain to us how your feeling and why you need some time away. You definately have been thru such a difficult childhood babe. I am proud you opened up and told us about your pain. Please know sweetie that we care and love you very much. I know I will miss you so very much but hunni I totally understand, you are strong sweet one, dont ever doubt that. You are so caring and such a special friend, your always worrying about everyone, you have a huge loving heart. All this said babe, I want to proove to you that you are extremely special, you are strong, a wonderful friend, an amazing mother , people that meet you are touched by you.
Sweetie take all the time you need because we will always be right here waiting for you, for when you feel stronger and ready to come back. I promise we will never forget you because you are not just words on the screen but you are a true friend who always touched my heart.
Take some time for yourself, I hope the break helps you and quietly I do whisper *I pray you come back online soon* but thats me being selfish, just a tiny bit..
Hun email me anytime if you want to talk.
Love and hugs, always , Nikki xxx
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You deserve all the love in the world...all of it. Leahanne...I now understand a little bit more about how you think of yourself. I am so so sorry you had to endure such utter terror. I know how difficult it is to escape these things as adults.....its called PTSD Leahanne....it is not something that you can just stop yourself, and it IS NOT a personal weakness....to have survived it and turn out so wonderfully as you have is a testament to who you really are..the inner strength you actually have...
Now is the time Leahanne to focus on you....to let others hear your voice. I hope the CBT therapist is what you need. Have you also thought about somewhere like Rape Crisis.....sorry I'm not familiar with agencies over there.....just think it may be another place of support where your voice can be heard too...somewhere were people can give you the support and compassion necessary for battling such demons...
Please just take care of yourself ok....we will all be here thinking about you...and waiting for you to return when you feel up to it. You are a strong wonderful woman Leahanne....try not to forget that...especially when you feel the exact opposite...
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You were let down so many times. You have survived the horrible things and have beautiful children. You were and are worth saving, people are trained bettr now, things were so kept secret those days. You are a wonderful, caring, sincere woman. Do not apologize, you need to look aftre yourself. I am looking forward to hearing from you, that you have managed to put the demons from your past in a box and locked it and gave God the key. I care a lot for you even though I do not know you well. I do not have to know you well, I still care.
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STAY OFF OF THE BOARDS IF YOU HAVE TO....I'VE HAD TO AS I HOPE YOU KNOW RECENTLY BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I'M SO SORRY THAT I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY....I AM SO SICKENED BY WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU.....A CHILD, WHO HAD NO-ONE ON THEIR SIDE...........I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT....THEY AREN'T HUMAN. TRY TO "TALK" WRITE TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN YOU CAN. yOU CAN ALWAYS REACH ME. lOVE, lISA
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oh momma leahanne i am so so sorry that happened to you... that was good u called the police for that girl because she needed to be save... you will oneday be able to over come this and protect others like you just did so bravo to you!.. you havent failed any of us nor me.. u know i love my momma leahanne.. hugs~~ i feel so bad for you... your father will reap wht he sows... take care and ill miss u
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Just wanted to say I found this inspirational because I'm working on getting goals and bettering my life, too. I also recently got out of a negative relationship. Give yourself cred and hang in there. It's great that you're taking care.
EllaA
Oh how I’ve missed you.
I am so proud of you L...the hardest part isn’t realising what’s wrong, but trying make your life better. And you’re really trying.
I think going back to school is a fantastic idea. I actually had to google phlebotomy, and if withdrawing blood is something that interests you then I’m really glad you’re going to go back into education to do what you want to do. I didn’t know you had a vampire obsession though !
On a more solemn note, I know you’ve made a very difficult decision regarding your marriage, and I’m so very sorry :-(. I can’t even begin to imagine what things must be like for you right now...how hard that decision must be to reach. You know what’s best for you though, and although I’m sure your leaving won’t be followed by immediate happiness, I'm hopeful that your happiness will reappear. Your children are going with you though, right ?
I want you to know that you can depend on me. I may not always be around right now, but I’m trying my very hardest to start replying to messages again and commenting on journals. I know I can’t physically help you since I’m too far away, but I am around to talk to if you need me.
Which leads me onto your fourth point. I hope I’m still one of those people you care about. The past few months have been really hard for me (as I’m sure they have been for you also) and I couldn’t be there for myself, let alone anyone else. I’m trying to get back on track with those close to me, and I still see you as one of those people. You matter to me now just as much as you did before, and I hope that feeling’s mutual.
No apologies are needed lovely. I remember giving you SUCH a hard time when you disappeared the first time, because I missed you so much and I was really worried about you. I know we sorted all of that out, but then having disappeared myself, and receiving a range of different reactions when I started to reappear...well it made me realise that my reaction to you wasn’t a supportive one. I will say that I reacted that way because I loved you, but I also understand now that sometimes people just can’t talk to people, and that true friends should be understanding of that. I think the second time you disappeared it was around the same time as I did...and we both had our reasons. So I don’t want an apology – I don’t deserve an apology. I’m just sorry we’ve missed each other for so long.
You’re so strong L, you have so much to deal with and yet you’re still fighting, and still discovering new ways to make your life better. You have true courage, and I’m incredibly proud of you.
I love you, and I hope you’re managing ok. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
toocool4fairyschool
Leahanne it is so nice to see you back and see that you are feeling better.... no apologies needed at all..... I was worried but know you are a strong woman and knew you would come out the other end even stronger.......
sorry to hear about your marriage.... thats never an easy decision I know..... but it sounds like you are clear in your mind about what you want... going back to school sounds great (and I much prefer a phlebotomist than a bumbling doc!).... you sound positive and full of hope and thats such a lovely thing to see
so glad you are back... :)
rubyblue
sweetheart you dont have to apologise at all, hunni sometimes life hurts so much that coming into ds isnt something we can always do , can actually just get all too overwhelming. I believe hunni you needed time out to try to work out whats what and to make some difficult decisions. Although I have to say Im so so happy your back hun, missed u like crazy and always wondered if you were ok.
Im sorry to hear that your marriage isnt working out but you are so strong hun because you are going to change it to try to make a better life for yourself and your children. Your entry was amazing to read, wow hun Im so proud of you, you are trying whatever it takes to change your life and be happy again, you know I wish you the best of luck in all that you do and remember Im always here if you need someone. angel hugs xxxx
SilentAngel