Casey8156's Journal

yeah, so on tuesday i saw my therapist and she told me that rehashing everything that i've been through in these blogs isn't doing me any good, that i should write about what i noticed was different today, so, here goes. i noticed today for the first time in what seems like forever, i sang in the car. i used to do it all the time, but when i got so depressed i couldn't function, i just didn't feel like it, it took too much energy. i also fixed our internet connection problem, we were having problems with certain web sites loading, so i reset the wireless router and it fixed the problem, i was proud of myself that i knew how to do it. i've been rather lonely lately and tonight i returned to my self-injury support group, it was nice to be around people that i don't see everyday and people that understand the struggle that i go through everyday with cutting. i had taken a break from the group because i didn't think i really had the desire to stop cutting, i didn't think i was ready to give it up yet, plus i was injuring almost everyday for a while there and i didn't think it was fair to the other members that were trying to stop injuring. i've got so many scars, many of them prolly will never go away completely and i'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it's not worth it. other than the scars i really had no consequences for cutting, everyone in my life knew it and accepted it, well, maybe not accepted, but became accustomed to it and they really didn't care if i did it or not, so i wasn't at risk for losing anyone or upsetting anyone and it really didn't bother me that i did it either, but the scars, they are a reason in and of itself to try to stop. i know it's not an easy road, i've tried before and was able to make it 120 days but then fell victim to it once again. so i'm starting over, i've got 20 days today, it's a start. i finally slept with my bpap machine last night, i've been dreading it but i'm sick of being tired all the time. i didn't see much of a difference last night and today except that it took me an unusually long time for me to fall asleep last night. i still slept my normal 12 hours and still felt tired today but i have to get used to the machine i guess. tonight i don't feel like sleeping at all which is bad news but i'm not tired and it's 2 in the morning already. i have therapy again tomorrow at noon, so i have to get to sleep by 3 and i don't think it's going to happen. i really feel like doing art tonight but i don't know what to make or draw, i always end up doing the same thing over again. i can't believe it's almost thanksgiving, i hate the holidays personally, so much drama and spending so much time with my crazy family, yes, it runs in the family. i realized today that i haven't written a poem in almost a year, i just don't have anything new to write about, it seems like all my poems are about the same things, depression, suicide, cutting, or abuse, you can only write so many different poems about the same things. i really would like to get back into my writing, i guess i just have writers block. okay, i think that's all for tonight.