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Kat887 
8:53pm, November 29, 2008
Life is racing by, so much going on and so much progress in terms of "life stuff". I'm almost done with my undergraduate studies, and I'm applying for a graduate program. I spent the summer in Italy singing and I am getting great grades, paying the bills and am in a good relationship. But there is a dark cloud over me. My past lingers and the things that my attackers did to me haven't faded with time. Nightmares happen and mood swings and crying fits. It's still with me, even though life goes on around it. It is a tangible entity in my relationship, which strains it at times. I feel their presence and their touch and hear their voices. I have nightmares. It never goes away and at times I'm reminded of what that really means. For me, I don't really know any different, but for others, like my boyfriend, it's scary and confusing and probably not very good for general morale. I never know how to deal with that situation other than to say, "well,...that's how it is" because that is how it is, and that's how it's always been, and I imagine that's how it will always be. I come to understand it, I cope better, I learn about myself and about the nature of rape, but it still doesn't ever quite make sense.
During this summer, while I was home from college, I worked as the assistant manager of a store. I spent the majority of my time either working or spending time with my (now, ex-)boyfriend. He would stop in and visit me at work from time to time. One day in July when I was in charge of the store, he came by and started nagging me about how he wanted to have sex in the back room. I didn't want to, I didn't want to get in trouble plus I actually had to be responsible for the store. After about twenty minutes of him whining and asking I took him into the backroom. He bent me over so that I was standing up with my back up against the wall, with my head essentially between my ankles, and started going at it. I could barely breathe and it was really painful. He was so violent about it, really forceful and, being a child sexual abuse survivor, it completely triggered me and I was so freaked out I couldn't say anything. Finally, after I couldn't take the pain anymore, I manuevered so he slipped out and I stood up and said I had to get back to work. The rest of the day I hurt so bad I could barely sit down. I was six weeks pregnant at the time and that night, I started to lose the baby. When I told him I thought I was having a miscarriage he said I was just being dramatic. I never said no, but he knew that I have a hard time with sexual situations where I am unable to move or am out of control, plus how much he was hurting me while he was doing it, it wasn't normal and it wasn't okay. I felt so violated. Later we made light of it, and I pretended like nothing had happened. He loved me, he didn't mean anything by it. I stayed with him for three months until HE dumped ME. Now, after some time has passed, I've moved on and have falled in love with a wonderful man. One night about a week and a half ago I had a flashback, not to what happened to me as a child, but to this incident. I then remembered it and recognized it for what it was. He raped me. It wasn't as black and white as it might have been, but if he was going at it so hard that he caused a miscarriage, and physically tore me up, that's not normal. He put me in a position where I was nothing but a hole for him, and my needs or wants were completely unimportant. I can't deal with it though. He was supposed to love me. And this now makes three abusers. One molester and two rapists. It makes me sick to my stomach that I let it happen again. I promised myself that I would protect myself, that I would never let something like that happen again. And it did. I feel so messed up about the whole situation. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I've talked about the miscarriage in therapy, but haven't told my therapist the cause of the miscarriage. I feel like I'm back at square one with the healing process. I don't want to do it all over again! I feel so alone and so devastated about everything that's happened with this.
Comments
I got drunk dialed by my own father. I can't stand him. He started out very sappy, asking me why we aren't close anymore and that he misses me. I told him very simply that it's complicated and that I've been through a lot. He immediately started yelling at me, telling me what a bitch I am and how selfish and wrapped up in myself I can me. He said that I need to get over the past and that no one wants to hear my whining. I got so mad and so hurt. He's so cruel. And I get so mad because it's their fault! They looked the other way while one neighbor sexually harrassed me for years and another one raped me. I wanted to scream at him, "Wanna know why we're not close anymore? Because you never protected me! Because you beat me and called me names when you were drunk! Because you were a terrible excuse for a father and I suffered the consequences!" I can't sleep. I'm so wound up because of this. I am so sick of being held captive to my parent's whims. One minute they love me, the next they hate me. It's more than I can bear. I have worked so hard to get where I am. I fought so hard against depression and self injury and have been so successful in school. And now I have to put up with these people who call themselves my family tearing me down??? I have enough to cope with; nightmares, flashbacks, urges to hurt myself. I don't need this and it's not fair!!!
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do as i did with my mom boot her out ur life or in ur case them.
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Goal Updated
I myself have put myself in situations where I was taken advantage of, sexually and emotionally. I think as survivors of sexual abuse we never learned to set healthy boundaries, we never had good examples. I definitely think you need to reveal this in therapy--you know as well as I that you need to work things thru in order to heal. so tell your therapist, I'm sure he/she has heard everything and don't feel ashamed. you were a little girl again in that back room. And Kat I want to tell you that you were one of the first people that responded to my posts when I first joined DS what you said to me was so helpful. hugs, Tina
serenity101
honey don't feel bad.. for as surviors of sexual abuse its hard for us to see the difrence at times of love and abuse.i myself put me in positions like this.it hurts..yes because we feel as we can not evebn trust oursewlves...but thats the issue we need to start trusting ourselves and things like this will not happen...and think at least u STOPPED it thats a huge step hun
DestinyD
You didn't say whose idea it was to do it in that position, but it allows for the deepest penetration possible by a man. No wonder you hurt.
Because of our histories, most of us need to feel wanted, needed, and accepted, generally by members of the opposite sex. I personally feared rejection and abandonment. Some people believe the feelings are created by the abuse. I believe I had those fears and needs before the abuse and they made me an easy target for a potential abuser. All he had to do was to say he liked me and accepted me, and I wanted to do what he wanted, and loved it when he did it to me. I never had flashbacks. I believe those who do are those who suffered a trauma, which is exactly what you experienced. My theory is that when we begin to experience sexual arousal, our brain starts to produce adrenalin, which travels quickly to our memory centers. If a predominate memory is of sexual trauma, that is the first and foremost memory that comes up. Both sexual arousal and bad memories can create extremely strong feelings. I am told it helps if we can pull ourselves back into what is going on at that moment, to remind ourselves the feeling is one left over from our past, not something threatening us at the moment. It might also help if you can be the one who is the more assertive during lovemaking in the future. In your case confinement seems to be a part of it, so make sure you are free to stop and move around any time you feel uncomfortable. I hope your current partner will understand you may need to do that.
I also have boundary issues. We are not alone. The Broadway show, "Oklahoma” features a comedy song by Ado Annie entitled "I can't say no."
As a child, for a number of reasons, I didn't trust grown ups or older people including authority figures. When I did start trusting I had no experience at how to select trustworthy people so I made mistakes too, still do for that matter. But, if I don't try I will never learn. You exboyfriend was one of your lessons.
By the way, I too am a classically trained vocalist. (Basso) I was a voice major for a while, but then changed majors. However, music has been an absolutely wonderful hobby. I have retired because of lung problems, but in the last concert in which I took part, the chorus was conducted by Robert Shaw. I also was lucky enough to do Der Fledermaus with Beverly Sills in the lead, and did one performance in a chorus directed by PDQ Bach. I sang and played duck call that time. LOL. Luvyz, Good Luck.
Crusty
sometimes when we have multiple truamas, they can blend together making it hard to deal with each part. You have at least 2 truamas here, the sense of violation from the sexual encounter, and losing the baby. You say you are in therapy for the miscarrage, so thats a start there, and recognizing your feelings about what happened is a good start on the other part. Dont be afraid to ask your therapist for help. good luck.
inpainincanada