Journal

I have been in a good mood the passed few days even though I feel terrible. My doctor just upped my dose of Humira from every other week to every week. I'll be happy if it works but it feels like defeat because its more medication. I guess I'll see how it works.

On the bright side I lost another 2lbs this week and tomorrow is Halloween. Im just trying to focus on the positive. I hope you all are too!

Its hard to remember a time when I didn't feel tired. When I was young they said it was because I was overweight. That became true because I ate my way through being depressed about not keeping up with other kids. I tried to lose weight at that point. Everyone kept saying my weight was the problem so in the summer before my 4th grade year I decided to do something about it. I decided I wouldn't eat then ride my bike and swim all day until I was skinny. As a result I passed out while riding my bike and shattered my spleen, causing massive internal bleeding. I will always have a scar that runs the length of my stomach to remind me of that impressionable little girl. By the time I hit high school I had days when I couldn't walk and wondered why I wrote so much slower than everyone else. I thought I had a learning disability because I couldnt concentrate. My teachers said I was lazy, partly because of my weight and partly because I was. I was just so tired. I always felt like I had the flu all the time. They tested me for mono over 6 times in two years. Then the counselor told me I was clinically depressed. It was so cut and dry for everyone else but not me. I knew there was actually something wrong. I was replaced as editor of the yearbook because I missed so much time. I've never told anyone how much that cut me up. Its 5 years later and some times I just want to gather all those teachers in a room and scream "I WAS SICK." I went on to college but in my sophomore year I had to move back home with my parents. I thought I was going crazy. I let so many people down when I left school. I felt so alone. Then I started pushing my doctors again. I refused to lay down and die. They tested me for mono three more times. Finally, a nurse practitioner decided to do the tests that would lead to my RA diagnosis. God knows where I would be without her. Who would have known that being diagnosed with this disease would be the greatest news I could get? My demon had a name. I could fight it because I knew what it was.

Little did I know that the fight to prove myself had just begun. I was given a rheumatologist who was ok to leave me on ineffective medicine for 2 years that has made my stomach a mess. I did my best to find out information on my own but I couldnt find any answers. My disease progressed rapidly during this time. It mainly effects my hands and hips. The two worst places for a student. I finally found a great doctor who put me on Humira and I am doing much better. I am into excercise and fitness and hope to begin training to be a personal trainer next year. My new passion is to work with kids and adults with conditions like mine.

I went back to the college I started at and graduated only one semester behind. I just started a masters program. The fatigue has been terrible lately. Even the Provigil isn't helping. I am struggling in class but this is nothing new. I won't get discouraged if I can't keep going now. I will make it in the end. My parents try to understand but I know they are disappointed when I don't finish classes. Part of it is that I don't like them to worry so I lie about how Im feeling a lot so it comes as a suprise when I have to withdraw. I am far enough away to fake it. My mom has fibro and my dad worries so much..So I dont tell anyone. Thats why Im here. Im having a tough time being alone..or feeling like a burden when I tell people how Im feeling. I just want to say it was a bad day or a good day and have someone know what that means.