Richeart's Journal

Hey Vee, the important thing about the 'crud' and the negative feelings is owning them, not pushing them out of conscioiusness. They're part of who we are, they ARE who we are. They are not seperate from us, a disowned bad-side. Something pushed our button about our self-esteem and we got angry and expressed our feelings, our hurt, and that expression was 'squashed'. Those feelings of resentment and anger, or even sadness, were our right to feel, protecting who we were, our real self. Since then we learned to be someone else, to develop another image by denying how we feel. It did not suit someone bigger and stronger, so we suppressed it, and were told it made us bad and unlovable...and that is not true, we just decided to believe it was true. Fixing that is a whole different problem, and extremely difficult. But then that's what we're here working on, at least I am. It is really difficult to remember each thing we try to do is clouded by our self-image whose job it is to keep us from our feelings. The two most feared feelings are anger and sadness, if you're a codependent or a narcissist. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, since the codependent is entirely dependent on their environment and denying their inner environment, their genuine feelings. The next most feared feeling is humiliation, that we will feel humiliated for having and expressing our feelings. and our thoughts.

Therefore, my progress is slow in listening to my feelings. I find it very difficult. I'm applying for a graduate assistantship and you wouldn't believe the typical garbage and wordiness I had to go through just to get to the point, just to get to my feelings, about my purpose for becoming an assistant. It's amazing, amazing at how out of touch I am with my feelings, for saying what I want. To assert my true feelings without editing them for how others may want me to feel. Fortunately I recognized the problem and may do another re-write, a better one that is less impressive (image-manipulating) and more real and to the point. To express what I want and who I am, and what I can do; and to do that I have to hear my feelings. I have to shut out the outside references and be aware of what I'm feeling without judging what I'm feeling.

So what am I feeling right now? Anger. Anger that it is so hard to change, that it's so difficult, and that I don't know what I feel most of the time, I block it out. Other than that, I'll be like all the other narcissists and smile and say "everything's fine". Remember, to be a really good narcissist, you have to hide your feelings from everyone else, and yourself.