Loved1's Journal

I realize pride is what keeps me from reaching out and asking for help.  I didn't really realize that is what it is.

I also realize pride / ego is what is keeping me wanting to avoid J, because he is not pursuing a friendship with me, and that is ok!  But my pride says "I'll show you".  I also want to protect myself from feeling bad, and it doesn't feel good to be around someone I like who I thought liked me who now I feel doesn't like me - confusion.  I need better standards for myself - I find someone like him who I really like and I'm ready to jump into something, then feel all vulnerable for exposing myself to someone who isn't reciprocating - boundary issues I guess.  Just in being known, I feel vulnerable, my insecurities exposed.  I tend to compare myself as less than other people.   Even for the concert  I invited him to, the place where I got the tickets wanted me to write a review, and I'd asked him to help me, then submitted mine before I got his help, then he sent me his review, which I submitted, too - and they published his instead of mine.  Even though it was better, I had to laugh.   It sort of epitomised the "he's better than me" attitude which I know is lousy.  Yeah he inspires me in some ways to be better in some ways, because I'm not, but I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  I'm doing good with not contacting him but I'm isolating a bit from meetings.

A couple weeks ago, the last guy who I dated R 7 months ago, I saw his friend at a meeting and we talked.  He said R has been in and out of the VA rehab program a few times since then.  I said to tell R I said "hi", then I got a voice message a week later from him with a call back # (that was not happening the 7 months since we were not together, there was never a call back # in his msgs).  Anyway I didn't call.  I dont hate him.  Why would I call him now?  I felt saying "hi" expressed my sentiments enough.  He's not someone I trust who is healthy for me.

Having a hard time at home worrying too much about my parents, especially mom - issues of wanting to "fix" I suppose.

Anxious about Thanksgiving plans - Dad doesn't want to be around my sis's guy, and the dinner is usually there, and I'm eating vegetarian anyway. I have no idea what plans there is going to be or if I'll get a direct invitation, I am bothered by her avoiding me, though I'm avoiding her, too.  I thought about getting my passport and going down to the condo in Baja, but it is not safe down there I understand.  I thought about getting away to Vegas or something.

Goals to eat right, avoid sugar, get enough sleep, exercise, be in nature and sunshine, and socialize.

I used stairmaster 20 mins yesterday and worked up a sweat.  It felt great!  But I'd had sundae before!  That was not making the experience as  good as it could be.