Loved1's Journal

I went into the city and saw my sponsor at her meeting.  I usually feel totally out of place there though I know people and am aquainted with people, though many of them don't recognize me because I don't come around there much I guess.  Lunch after I felt myself beating myself up for my social awkwardness and for our other lunch guest sort of judging me I felt, or putting me on the spot.  I don't know. 

I bought some new pants which was fun for me since I need them.

I got a 2 hour Thai massage and he went over nearly 1/2 hour!  They usually do.  It was awesome.  I had no idea how much emotional tension I hold in my body.  He does it really hard which I love.  He talked to me about my digestion and eating slowly, not in front of tv or book, and not showering for 2 hours after food.   I think his suggestions are already helping.  What a treat for me.

I bought Steve Harvey's book I think it's "Act like a lady, think like a man" anyway I am getting some insight.

It was hard to not contact J but it gives me clarity - he's not reaching out to me.  I am sort of getting over trying to pursue contact with him because I don't know if it's my ego or pride or self protection.  I just felt like it is torturing myself to try to pursue getting to know someone who is not meeting me halfway.  I feel relief in giving up.  I just am too obsessed about it and him and I need to let it go.  I see him at a particular meeting a couple times a month I may even stay away from just to give myself a break and let the situation find it's own normal.  I took a risk asking him to go with me and now what is left, I already asked him to go somewhere else with me next month and I'm pretty sure he didn't respond, though he showed an interest in the band.  I don't know.

A friend asked if I'd like to be a roomate.  I really thought about it.  I don't know if I'm ready or financially secure enough.