Loved1's Journal

Last night at "Survival to Recovery" book study Al Anon I was reminded of a sad memory as a kid which I didn't know affected me like it did.  The story we read reminded me of how we're treated as kids like we don't matter.

Mom didn't mean any harm.  For her to tell me as a child she was pregnant and having an abortion because she didn't want to bring another life into this family was devastating, it was harmful to my self worth and it was like I had no feelings or wasn't worth life.  That family was all I knew!  It was such a helpless  feeling.

I was able to go home and write and cry about it.  I didn't share about it because I thought it too personal and didn't want to cry, though I could have.  I didn't share about it after the meeting.  I didn't bring it up to mom because she couldn't "solve" the problem or understand how it could have affected me.

I didn't stop for ice cream like I wanted, to stuff feelings probably, or stop for a coffee shake today like I wanted, to self soothe - that stuff is so addictive for me and in the long run I feel better when I  don't add that sugar / expense / fat to myself.

I have some work to do.  I have writing to do from my love addiction workbook I have tried to start twice over the years.