Journal

I broke my 3rd day of fasting on fresh fruits, veggies and juice.  Eating is an issue for me.  The fast was cleansing.  I'm grateful I am learning to savor my food more and trying to not eat while reading or watching TV.

I'm enjoying sleeping in my bed well at night, recalling vivid dreams lately, having puppy push his way through my bedroom door with his little 10 lb. body and jumping on my bed and licking my face good morning.  I enjoy walking him and getting some sunshine early in the day.  I really enjoy the sunshine.  I enjoy being affectionate with my dog.

I'm enjoying doing a good job at work and not being completely overloaded there to say the least.  I'm grateful business is good there, as many places are not.  I'm grateful I'm able to spend money to help other businesses.

I got to lead an AA meeting last night.  I'm grateful I can learn from my sharing and gain some humililty.

I'm grateful my dear AA friend who has been attending Al Anon, too, wants us to be cosponsors and work some Al Anon steps together.  I'm excited!

I'm grateful a nice guy asked me to church, even if I don't know if I'll go.

I'm grateful my parents are still relatively healthy though are having some health problems that I can learn from, mostly related to diet.

I'm grateful I have prayer, meditation, baths, TV, great books to read.  I'm grateful I have people to call.  I'm grateful to be secretary of my MA meeting and that I'm able to get speakers to come each week.

I was able to fix car myself - it was a loose hose, which I realized after it had been towed to the mechanics.  He was gone for the weekend so I opened the hood after I realized what it probably was.  The tow truck driver was really nice and talking about Christianity.  I am sort of bugged now my coworker wants to use our employee to make sure the problem is secured - I don't feel comfortable, but feel unable to say "no."  The guy is fixing it now.  I am reading that Steve Harvey's "Act like a lady, think like a man" about letting guys do things for you.  I am not good at that in many ways, learned from mom, so I'm trying to stretch myself for practice.

I feel sort of bugged this girl told me this guy M liked me about a month ago and asked me to talk to him.  I almost wish she hadn't because now I feel rejected.  He'd asked her for my # and now that we're talking I don't think he likes me.  Oh well.  Ask God to replace my ego with humility.

So J, the guy who I took to the concert, I realized around that time his friend liked me.  I've avoided him for a few weeks.  So I finally saw his friend T last night and he asked me if I want to go to church with he and J, and said it's an "open invitation".  I am trying to avoid J, I guess I really put myself out there and feel sort of hurt.  I told T I'd keep it in mind.  He asked if I had a cell #.  M was nearby.  I kind of forgot to give him mine after I took his, I got distracted.  So my mind is sort of racing a little, like what's this all about?  Then my 95 year old friend said he's trying to fix me up with this guy in AA and I felt totally self conscious.  I told my friend the guy has a girlfriend - he said it's not serious.  I look up to this guy, actually I used to have a little crush on him, and I'm totally out of his league, as far as many areas go - looks, fitness, taking care of himself, not to mention I heard he's a millionaire - yes that is attractive only when the person is nice, but I'm like, why can't my friend just let me be?  So I am in the process of redefining myself with men I suppose.  I am fine single!  I can't really imagine getting married.  I'm used to my independence.

At my home MA I shared how I used to be an exotic dancer.  That is really hard to admit.  The topic was something that has really affected you, and one is being a marijuana addict, and another is that, both things I tend to keep secret.

My car stalled on the way to work today, and put a slight "funk" in my day.  I am trying to use gratitude.  I'll be ok!  My needs are taken care of.  I can wait for it to be re-repaired.  I'd just driven past my friend who lives near work and was giving me rides home last week, taking me to the meeting after work when my car was in the shop, & I could walk home from the meeting.  So after we stopped our cars and chatted my car stalled and I was able to call and ask him for a ride to work.  Now as far as planning my weekend without a car, it's all good!  The book signing is more than a week away and I'm willing and able to rent a car for that if need be!  It seems to be the same problem that was just repaired so hopefully it's a minor adjustment, and the mechanic will be in on Monday and hopefully it will all be taken care of.  Trust God!

Last night was pretty incredible.  At work we make these canopies and we were doing one for some people who are racing for NHRA this weekend it turns out.  Last night I got to go drop it off with my coworker at the race!  I was able to tell the parking person why we were there and not have to pay, and be able to go up to "the pit" and the guy at the fence of the pit, I knew from AA!  Just aquaintances.  So we called the guys we made the canopy for, and then the guy at the gate who I knew let us drive in so we could deliver it.  Exciting environment.  After we drove out we parked and they were no longer collecting tickets so we got to go in and see some semi pro and amateur races.  I like my coworker and I've had a little crush on him.  I wanted to cuddle, like I have noticed lately with crushes, whoever they may be.  I realize this and try to comfort myself so as to not start something inappropriate.  I really miss having a bf at this point or someone to cuddle with, etc.  I had driven and parked near a meeting by the races, and had him drop me off there afterwards.  I needed a meeting and was only going to make the last few minutes, but the clock was 10 mins slow so I got part of a meeting!  Anyway it was interesting to get to know my coworker outside of work.  We get along very well. I am not promiscuous anymore, but I used to be when I wasn't sober.  A guy was smoking pot next to us.  It didn't bother me.  The environment was a lot of fun for me at the race track, and a nice perk for it being work related.  We were supposed to distribute business cards and didn't really get the chance to, unfortunately.  I was just happy I got to go.

So on the way out of the racetrack I ran into an old friend from the city, who I found out was also invited to that book signing and after party I am so excited about.  I told him I have no idea how I was invited.  He knows the woman who invited me.  He volunteers for a radio station, too.  Small world.  He may not be there, though.  We like much of the same music so we talked a while. I usually only see him at concerts and it's been a couple years.  It was a fun night!  It was great to see him.  When I was stoned all the time I was much more paranoid.

I ended with a whole pint of Ben N Jerrys and couldn't even stay up to watch tv. I needed sleep.

I have ghost presense dreams sometimes and last night's was very vivid, think "Medium" or "Ghost Whisperer", but with a different slant. I kind of like that I have that side of me though some people may think it insane.  I don't know, it's real to me.

I went to a great MA meeting Wednesday and to see a band, thanks to a free pass from the radio station where I volunteer.  I was able to talk to the singer a little bit.  I had a great time.  It was nice to be in my old neighborhood in the city.  I went by my old house which is walking distance from the club.  I had the worst haunting there.  Maybe that is what lead to the presense dream?  I miss living there lately, but I welcome the comforts of a home town and HOME.