Journal

July 10, 2009 today is a special day for me.   Twenty Two years ago today I finally managed to wake up from my addictions and made the decision to stop killing myself with outside  substances and face reality as it truly is. I I'm not writing this to brag but only as an inspiration for those who are still out there struggling. I am simply trying to be an example for others who have the same addictive personality  as I do.

I do not  even pretend to be cured I have the good sense to know that I am an addict for life . The only difference is I have managed to become mentally strong enough to say no and turn my back on that lifestyle. I  had become a  menace to society and I can't count the number of lives I've helped to destroy including my own. I wish to be an example especially to those young people out there in the hope that maybe some of them will listen and not follow the path of destruction I was once on. 

 I cannot even begin to express how sorry I am for having been a part of such a destructive force. My only hope of redemption is to live my life as an example to those who truly want to get out. My heart goes out to all those who are still struggling to get out of their addictions. All I can say there is hope for you as long as you turn your back on those things and people that are pulling you down. Surround yourself with people who have a true purpose and goals to better themselves. Take care and learn to love yourself,  be well Rodney

I live in Denver, and this year, we haven't had much snow at all.  Today it started snowing this morning and I made a trip to the store which is about 5 miles away and there was just a light dusting of snow.  I had been about 45 minutes shopping in the store, and when I came outside there was already blizzard conditions outside and my car windows and already covered with ice.  It took another hour to get home, driving behind all the new implant, California drivers who don't know anything about driving in the snow.  My other car in the driveway, already had 4 inches on it and it was snowing sideways.  I believe this is going to be one of those years when all the heavy snows will wait until the leaves are on the trees then come and break down all the branches.

It made me think how glad I am to finally be retired and not need to get out there and fight all that traffic .  It made me think of how I am now in the winter of my life and think about how I've never really discovered what might be my true purpose.  In my youth, I rode the fence between good and evil.  I cannot claim to have ever been an angel.  I spent a lot of time trying to hang with the cool crowd instead of considering what I might become as an individual. I had the attitude where I wanted to try almost anything at least once.  Twice if I liked it.  I lived my life with no abandon and took many unnecessary chances.  Needless to say I have a few regrets.

These last several years, I've taken many strides to turn my life around and get on the good side.  I have taken time to try to explain to young people about the many mistakes I made in my life in the hope of detouring them from some of the pain I experienced.  There are still a number of them that will listen and not go down that path of destruction I was on.  I'm getting too close to the end to do much else.  So maybe this is my purpose. My heart goes out to all those who are lost and still trying to find their place.

Four And 20 years ago, I came into this life,

the son of a woman and a man who lived in strife.

A different kind of poverty now upsets me so,

night after a sleepless night I walk the floor, and I want to know.

Why am I so alone, where is my woman can and I bring her home,

have I driven her away. is she gone.

Morning comes the sun rise, and I am driven to my bed,

I see that it is empty, and there's devils in my head.

I embrace the multicolored beast,

I grew weary of the torment.  Can there be no peace?

I find myself wishing that my life would simply cease.