ctchika84's Journal

God, I hate being depressed for two weeks or more, and then finally coming out of it and still feeling like shit... (I know that doesn't really make sense).

After much kicking and screaming (not actually out loud but in my head) I've decided that I should give the counseling center at the school a go to see if they can help me deal with my episodes so that maybe they won't be as bad if and when they come... Friends from school have been IMing me all night because I've basically been in this sullen depressed stupor for quite a while and they say that they've been worried about me. While it's nice to know that people care, it also frustrates me that I am so transparent and that my problems are making everyone else feel bad...

For the first time in weeks I've actually had a little more motivation and energy. I actually smiled today which was the first time in a long time... But with this decision comes a lot of heartache... I know I've posted about this on the boards before, so I'm sorry if people have already read this but I'm basically just writing whatever comes into my head down because I have so many thoughts racing through my head...

Being a fairly stubborn person by nature, I do have some reservations to this because I feel like I should be able to help myself and that this problem is all in my head. I can't help but thinking that there is a part of me that wants or needs attention from people so I pretend to be depressed and moping around so that people will give me attention... While I have tried to prove this statement true many times, because this would tell me that I was in control of it and could stop and start it at any time, I have had no such luck... It comes and goes as it pleases, and especially recently, has been coming and staying for longer periods of time and has been hitting me a lot harder in general...

That only leaves the fact that I am truely not in control and that it is an illness and that the only way I can get better is with proper therapy and medication and there is still a part of me that doesn't want to accept that.

The other hesitation that I have about this whole realization is my parents. While I love them dearly and I know that they love me, I can't help but feel that I will be disappointing them yet again. My friends have tried for countless hours to try and tell me that my parents are proud of me for whatever I do, but I believe that they are proud for some of the things I do... And other things truely disappoint them... When I was younger, they always used to tell me me how greatful they were to be able to have children but sometimes I wonder if they're regretting it now... How can they possbily be proud of someone who has put them through so much pain and suffering? I can't imagine them being proud when they had to tell all their friends and families why I couldn't be at the holiday parties because I was in the hospital, and to tell my brothers and sisters why they had to give up the activities that they wanted to do because they had to cart me to doctor after doctor, and have to constantly cover up why I was wearing long sleeves in the summer and why I had cuts all over my arms and legs. Or see their once honor role student being asked to leave the school during her senior year because they couldn't be liable for my actions anymore...

Ever since I've been diagnosed with depression (and some other things) my parents have seen me in a new light. I will never be the daughter that they had originally hoped or planned for because they will constantly be worried about whether I am going to relapse again and whether they are going to say anything or make me do anything that is going to "set me off"... I mean, I know they wouldn't do it if they didn't care about me, but I also feel like I can never be the "normal" daughter that they deserve, and that I will never rise up to someone who won't continually disappoint them.

When I go home I try to be like everyone else... I ask if they need help with anything, I go out with friends, I do things with my brothers and sisters but it's not the same... Everytime I let them know I'm going out they basically grill me as to everything I'm going to do, who I'm going out with, where we'll be, what time I'll be in, while others can kind of go as they please and do what they want. I ask my dad if he needs help and he says that everything is done and no more than five seconds later I can hear him asking one of my other brothers and sisters to help him with things... It's like they have this expectation that I can only do so much and will never change. That I can't handle doing things like everyone else... I know most people tell me to stop bitching and complaing, but it honestly really hurts to think that I'm never going to on the same playing field as everyone else... And I know that if I tell them about what I'm thinking about, it'll just go back to the same as it was when I was in high school...

I don't want to deal again with the side effects and trial and error of medication... I don't want to have to deal again with therapists that can't help me for whatever reason... And I don't want to have to feel again that the only place for me is at the hospital, locked away from the rest of society where everyone can think about how much of a screw up I am and how nothing will ever come from my life... If that's the case, what's worth living?

I'm scared as all hell about next year (after I graduate). I mean, I don't see how I can honestly be an effective teacher if I don't have control over this... And if I can't be an effective teacher, what the hell am I spending all of this money in an education that I will never be able to live up to? I'm really close with the head of the education department here, and he doesn't seem too concerned, but how can he in good concious give me a diploma this May to teach little children when I am not even in control of my own life?

Some days I wish I could switch places with anyone who ever knew me... I'd like to see what they see in me because obviously we're not looking at the same thing...