Journal

My name is Rachel I am 26 years of age. I have a small history of depression. Firstly I was abused from the age of 3 - 12 by my mother, then brought up by my grandma. I had depression at this point although I got myself through this.

At the age of 18 I had an abortion which brought on depression again where I made an attempt on my life and ended up on medication.

But now I was wondering if I could get some advice or help for post natal depression.

I gave birth in Oct 2006 and have been post natally depressed ever since. I have tried different medications and have also tried to come off them several times. I am currently on Fluoxetine 5mg.

Shortly after I gave birth I as caught out even though I was fitted with the coil. It was fitted incorrectly. In my mental state there was no way I could have coped with another child. I ended up having an abortion.

I seem to have no feeling at all, I am just numb. I dont feel like a person in the real world. I feel like I am floating past everybody else. I can not deal with normal every day chores. I just about manage to work 3 days a week then collapse at home for the rest of the time.

My mother in law has just lost her 2 year battle with cancer in April 2007. Since this I can not get images of her laying there out of my head. I am now petrified of dying. I dont want to leave my baby on her own. I have been having nightmares about dying and how janet was so sick for so long. My partner has dealt with her death so well and I feel so guilty for being so weak.

I am in tears and stressed, often screaming at my partner and baby for silly things. I avoid contact with other people, especially new people. I have lost my confidence and my libido I had before.

I gained 7st while pregnant and I am still 14st and should be 10st but can not shift it no matter how I try.

I have lost my ability to remember small things, but my memory was excellent before. Things like reading a book, newspaper, remembering a nursery ryhme is impossible.

If I have to go into a meeting at work I often can not remember what has been said and have to write everything down.

I have often thought about ending everything but I think too much about everybody else and cant even get that right. I really am not one for speaking to people about my problems but even when I try people dont understand how low I feel.

Even the doctors and midwives dont care. You just get oh dear, oh no, from them. Please tell me what I can do before I collapse in a heap and dont get up.