Journal Entry for September 28, 2009
September 28, 2009 4:03pm
I paid off my credit card debt! I am also learning ballet en pointe. I take a class every Saturday.
Progress
15 %
poisonberry
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About Me
poisonberry
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About Me
I am a visual effects artist. I like rainy days. I am a perfectionist. I am pessimistic. I am an atheist. I went to art school. I am an ordinary person, average in brains and beauty. I am most content in quiet environments. I like nature. I struggle financially. I value quality over quantity. I procrastinate often. I live with depression.
I am a visual effects artist. I like rainy days. I am a perfectionist. I am pessimistic. I am an atheist. I went to art school. I am an ordinary person, average in brains and beauty. I am most content in quiet environments. I like nature. I struggle financially. I value quality over quantity. I procrastinate often. I live with depression.
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Interests
I am passionate about ballet and have been taking lessons for about a year. I am working on a painting series. I enjoy reading and writing on occasion. I enjoy afternoon naps. Once in awhile I enjoy a live heavy metal concert. Sometimes I enjoy museums, galleries, theater productions, and cinemas, though I tend to lose interest quickly.
I am passionate about ballet and have been taking lessons for about a year. I am working on a painting
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Journal
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Photos
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Goals
View all in progress Goals
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Support Groups
Close Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionThe happiness from my life seemed to gradually dissipate. I think poor self image as a teenager set the foundation for an unhealthy relationship with myself. I have little insight as to what each day will be like for me. My mind is an ongoing war with my emotions.
Treatments
- Celexa Working / Worked
- I have been taking Citalopram since April. I have no obvious side effects. My moods are greatly stabilized.
- Positive Thinking Working / Worked
- I try to be grateful for what I have. I am trying not to focus on the negative aspects of my life.
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- I started seeing a therapist recently. I am still skeptical about it.
- Writing Working / Worked
- Writing helps me collect my thoughts in one place. It helps me declutter my brain which provides a moderate amount of relief.
Close Stress Management
Stress has greatly impacted my life. My health has deteriorated from it. I do not function well in noisy environments. Sometimes I am unable to get through a normal day of work.
Treatments
- Physical Exercise Not Working
- While exercise can make me feel good following a workout, it doesn't appear to help me through stressful situations.
- Dietary Modification Somewhat Helpful
- Eating healthy and consistently has a moderate effect on my stress levels.
Open Anxiety
Elevated stress seems to exacerbate my anxiety. It is debilitating, exhausting, and frustrating to live with.
Treatments
- Dietary Modification Somewhat Helpful
- I try to eliminate foods such as sugars, caffeine, and alcohol from my diet. These minor changes help mildly.
- Physical Exercise Not Working
- As with stress, the after effects of exercise are minimal. It doesn't help my chronic anxiety.
Open Acne
I have battled with acne since puberty. I am disgusted when I look in a mirror, swearing to myself that someday this has to stop. I cannot refrain myself from touching it and making it worse.
Treatments
- Benzoyl Peroxide Not Working
- Tried it as a teen without any significant difference compared to drugstore products.
- Retin-A Too Soon to Tell
- I have recently started using tretinoin. It used to dry out my skin as a teenager but I am faring well with it now.
- Tetracycline Not Working
- Tried it as a teen for what must have been a year. My teeth are still yellow and probably because of it, and my acne did not significantly show any improvement.
- Washing Somewhat Helpful
- I use a cleanser, toner, and moisturizer each evening. Nothing special, but it's the least I can do.
Open Panic Attacks
I think I have been having panic attacks since midway through college. At first I thought they were full blown nervous breakdowns but I am beginning to see an infrequent and unpredictable pattern of them. I used to believe they were associated with withdrawal from recreational drugs. But long after I stopped using them, the attacks still occur.
Open Female Sexual Issues
Sex is a frustrating subject for me. I strongly believe that I lost my virginity to a date rape. I find the subject of sex in my society to be horribly overrated. I also have an extremely low libido. I only enjoy sex the first few weeks of a relationship. I have had one night stands with attractive men I wanted to date, whom broke my heart. I also had one night stands with unattractive men when I felt desperate.
Open Financial Challenges
I went to a private college and paid for all of it with student loans. While my debt averaged $125,000 upon graduation, I have $95,000 left. The interest is outrageous. Maybe that's why I am depressed!
Treatments
- Budgeting Working / Worked
- I keep track of what I earn and what I spend. I avoid impulsive decisions.
- Debt Consolidation Working / Worked
- I consolidated my federal loans, then I consolidated my private loans.
- Earn Money Working / Worked
- I normally work like normal human beings.
Open Healthy Eating
I eat good foods and bad foods. Trying to stay focused on the good stuff. I try to limit sugar, caffeine, and alcohol. I try to eat less carbohydrates and more protein with each meal.
Open Plastic Surgery
My nose has made my life miserable since junior high. I have never felt attractive or elegant regardless of how nicely I wear my hair, makeup, or clothing. Having had rhinoplasty recently, I feel like a new person. I feel beautiful on the outside. It is the best decision I ever made. And my surgeon is amazing.
Open HPV
What can I say? Use a condom! I lost my virginity to a perceived date rape at 18. About a year later I was diagnosed with hpv. I see a gyn more often than a dentist. It was quite emotionally draining for a very long time. I feel dirty.
Treatments
- Colposcopy Working / Worked
- I have had at least 3 good pap follow ups since I had a colposcopy in May of 2007. A recent HPV test came back negative!
Open Alcoholism
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He drinks a bottle of red wine on most nights. It is frustrating. I feel lonely when he drinks because he is not rational to communicate with.
Open Insomnia
Some days I just cannot fall asleep and stay asleep. Maybe it's stress or maybe it's anxiety.
Treatments
- Lavender Working / Worked
- I use lavender bath and body products in the evening. Essential oils are also wonderful. It smells great but does not help me sleep!
- Melatonin Working / Worked
- I take about 3 mg of melatonin most weekday nights when I am working. I try to take breaks from it occassionally to avoid developing a tolerance. Sometimes I wake up drowsy as a result but at least I get sleep at night.
Open Shopping Addiction
I love retail therapy. I might have said in the past that I am an emotional eater, but now I am an emotional shopper. I am not irresponsible about it but I know I live beyond my means.
