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WhiteNoise 
1:29am, March 31, 2009
I think I'm getting worse. And sitting here on my arse, trying over and over again to analyse "why" I'm so fucked up just isn't helping. Maybe I will never figure it out sitting here in front of the computer. Maybe constantly thinking about my addiction and life problems is just making them worse.
I talked to a friend on the phone last night. I felt as if I couldn't talk properly, because I was analysing and thinking about how she would be perceiving everything I said. I coundn't say anything without filtering it first. Self-obsession to the max. I felt like a cold-hearted ice queen.
I am living a lie.
I am considering taking a 5-month trip to Israel. It's not a party holiday, it's a program where you go on big hikes across the country, and work and live on farms and that kind of thing. Maybe it's just what I need. To get away from my current mundane surroundings. To have to focus on something other than myself for a while. See the world, meet interesting people with similar goals. Something completely DIFFERENT.
So tomorrow is my payday, and I'm going to apply for the program then because there is a $150 application fee.
Should I do it?
Comments
I have had this "calling" to go there for a long time I can't really explain. Only you can answer this - a good pro and con list is always good, and to weigh each item - the list that is shorter could "weigh" more.
I think as long as we let go of any expectation for it to be any certain way and listen to our gut, not our fear, we may be lead on a good path.
How exciting!
Loved1
WhiteNoise you will make it when you want it bad enough !
Also The trip to Israel sound Awesome . I would love to do that ! If I had the cash ! I always wanted to see the holy lands , temple mount and Bethlehem ! You are so lucky to have this opportunity . I look forward to seeing any of the pic's you take !
TheOtherJIM
You should definately go. It sounds like an excellent way to put things in perspective. I wish I could do something like that.
iwonde
YOU GO GIRL!! I just got back from a European adventure, where I was completely sober all but 4 days out of 3 months. (Hash in Germany got me) and I felt more free and my thoughts were much clearer. I think I also experienced true serenity for the 1st time in my life.
A break would do you good. More power to you!
Maat2008
wow what an opportunity i wish i could go with you !! i too sit and analyse my fucked up life, i think way too much and it doesnt help. good luck X
tarantula