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WhiteNoise 
1:29am, March 31, 2009
I feel like I am so ugly and I can't help it. Whenever I see a photo of me I just cannot believe how ugly I look. I don't look how I thought I looked, I thought I was ok-looking.
I can't stop thinking about it and how I am never going to find anyone when I am so hideous
Comments
I think I'm getting worse. And sitting here on my arse, trying over and over again to analyse "why" I'm so fucked up just isn't helping. Maybe I will never figure it out sitting here in front of the computer. Maybe constantly thinking about my addiction and life problems is just making them worse.
I talked to a friend on the phone last night. I felt as if I couldn't talk properly, because I was analysing and thinking about how she would be perceiving everything I said. I coundn't say anything without filtering it first. Self-obsession to the max. I felt like a cold-hearted ice queen.
I am living a lie.
I am considering taking a 5-month trip to Israel. It's not a party holiday, it's a program where you go on big hikes across the country, and work and live on farms and that kind of thing. Maybe it's just what I need. To get away from my current mundane surroundings. To have to focus on something other than myself for a while. See the world, meet interesting people with similar goals. Something completely DIFFERENT.
So tomorrow is my payday, and I'm going to apply for the program then because there is a $150 application fee.
Should I do it?
Comments
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I have had this "calling" to go there for a long time I can't really explain. Only you can answer this - a good pro and con list is always good, and to weigh each item - the list that is shorter could "weigh" more.
I think as long as we let go of any expectation for it to be any certain way and listen to our gut, not our fear, we may be lead on a good path.
How exciting!
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WhiteNoise you will make it when you want it bad enough !
Also The trip to Israel sound Awesome . I would love to do that ! If I had the cash ! I always wanted to see the holy lands , temple mount and Bethlehem ! You are so lucky to have this opportunity . I look forward to seeing any of the pic's you take !
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You should definately go. It sounds like an excellent way to put things in perspective. I wish I could do something like that.
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YOU GO GIRL!! I just got back from a European adventure, where I was completely sober all but 4 days out of 3 months. (Hash in Germany got me) and I felt more free and my thoughts were much clearer. I think I also experienced true serenity for the 1st time in my life.
A break would do you good. More power to you!
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wow what an opportunity i wish i could go with you !! i too sit and analyse my fucked up life, i think way too much and it doesnt help. good luck X
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UPDATED GOALS
Quit smoking pot
0 days sober
Encouragements: 1
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Goal Updated
Why must you judge yourself so harshly?
Cut yourself some slack....I'm pretty sure you're not even anywhere CLOSE to hideous!
Borgnine
I think you are Awesome ! Just remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder .
Please don't put yourself down anymore . It's not healthy for you ! It's just part of the withdrawal you will be fine soon ! You have to put yourself around positive people .
TheOtherJIM
I've seen your photo and I think you look awesome.
We are our own worse critics and know how to beat ourselves up - you are not alone - now quit it! Say something nice :)
Loved1
thank you guys. i've changed my mind, i went out tonight and got all dressed up and stuff for the first time in a while and i think i scrubbed up alright! hahaha
WhiteNoise