Journal

After all hte waiting and debating about wether or not to tell my family, My path has been cleared. Now is the time. I've been given the sign. How you say? I just found out my auntie, whom I have'nt talked to in years, is Bi!!! OMG, I'm so happy!! After years of feeling alone, finally I have some1 who understands me, from a bi perspective. It's funny cuz I always knew she was a little eccentric, but I didn't really think that was anywhere near it. A shock to my system, but a necessary, and welcome one.

It felt so good talking to her after years of being kept from her. I'm convinced that my mom kept my Auntie away from us b-cuz sh felt she'd be a "bad influence" with her openness, I guess. Which then in turn explains the way my mom acted when I came out the 1st time. I think when I was younger, my auntie, who was close to my mom, her step-sister in fact, came out to my mom. I'm pretty certain that around the same time my mom "cut her off." Seeing how she reacted when I came out, it makes sense. My mom, who experimented with her sexuality in younger years, is ashamed of herself and therefore ashamed of me. Even her sister for that matter. Not because of what I've "become" but for the fact that she was once "that way" and fears her life being mine.I understand she saw some bad things happen to my auntie, and even herself, but it feels like she's equating my bisexuality with everything that went wrong in her and my auntie's life. It's sad to think she doesn't see that I'm not her, and am my own person. What works for one person may not work for another, right? I feel that very deeply. 

My bisexuality has brought me nothing but happiness. Even with the bad times, I was never afraid to be who I was until she planted the seeds of doubt in my head. She made me feel that who I was, wasn't good enough for her, nor the world. Talking with my auntie has strengthened me to come out of hiding. I know I am bi. I've always known, even before I knew it had a name. I think now is the time the rest of the family knew the truth. I truly for the first time feel I am ready to let that be known. I'm ready to be me, regrdless of whoever can accept it or not. I finally accept myself. What can be more beautiful than that?   

Things are good. I can't complain. I'm glad I got the Mirena. It may be fighting with the Lupron in me, but it was worth it. My energy is returning, sex drive too. I actually enjoyed hubby touching me today. I haven't felt that in a while. I did yard work, painlessly, until i overdid it... LOL! Even with that, I'm feeling genuinely good. Now if only I can get hubby to watch the Tivo'd episodes of Heroes with me.... HA!!!

The only thing I think at this point that can make things better, is having a gf. Having that female to talk to, hold, and kiss, in addition to the male aspect. I never really realized how much having that meant to me, until I was deprived the chance to have that kind of relationship. I realize now that I have the chance to have that. I am free to be who I am now, because I have the love and support I've needed for so long.

My g'ma has been sick for, at least, the past week. I feel, in my heart, this is it for her. Her being on her death-bed, and the passing of so many others recently (MJ, Billie Mays, Farrah, Ed McMahon, Countless soldiers in Iraq, etc.), should sadden me. Truthfully, I am saddened, but more so than that, I feel joy. Joy for being able to see another day. To live the lessons they've learned, and live the way life was meant to be lived: without hesitation, without fear, without regret. I truly feel I've found the cure for my depression: a hefty dose of life. I love my kids, my husband, my life. Most importantly, I love myself, flaws and all. I see myself as goddess intended me to be, imperfect and beautiful. That was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn up until this point. I think I'm ready to live those lessons now. I'm ready to live, period.    

Ok, so i know i should b happy, but I can't help but feel it was artificial, cuz i was peeved @ hubby. I met this girl in a chat room. We cybered, and she wants to do it again sometime. As a matter of fact, she lives in my city. So chances are we could meet, if she and i weren't married. She's convinced her hubby can "eat" me better than my own. HA!!

Highly unlikely since he's the reason I even like head in the first place. I had head, numerous times, in my past and never liked it, til hubby. Truth b told, I've been in many relationships with women, but never had one there. I always gave. I didn't feel comfortable enough letting any1 get that close to me. Only recently am i getting comfortable with the idea of any1 else being there. I digress.

So this chick is really convinced her hubby is "the best". I hope she's not trying to pursuade me to join her 3-way and leave my life... HA HA HA!!!!!!! Puh-pleeze! My hubby may be having an emotional affair with his best friend online, which hurts, but i've way 2 much invested in this relationship to let it go now.

I wouldn't mind having her alone tho... LOL!