ryt73's Journal

   if you have read the previous entry this entry will possibly make more sense and add more details of where my heart was the night of the wedding. In this single night I learned a lot about myself, my friends, people who I have misunderstood and how much this woman loves me.. early in the night I ran into an old friend at the reception. he was a good friend in high school we used to do a lot together when we were younger, but like many friends do we often let them become people who we dont have time to keep in touch with and just another person to say HI to when we see them and not much more. his father was killed a little over a week ago in a truck accident. when I heard the news about this I sent off a card and he was in my thoughts non-stop that whole week with me reminising of what it was like to lose my father and how awful of a time he must be going through. when I seen him I immediately shook his hand and gave him the "man-hug" and began telling him how sorry I was to hear about his dad.. he then got choked up and told me its a time when you realize who your real friends are and who always will be. he said when he seen the card I sent him and the thoughts it made him realize that friends are for life, good ones anyway. so after we had our conversation a little later on I ran into a friend who was having some serious relationship trouble. I hadn't seen him in a while but I had heard previously about the situation. he told me for the past 6 months he wanted to come out and get some advice from me because more then anything he wanted his family back. so we talked and I remembered the hurt I felt when I went through the loss of my first marriage and all the frustration and hurt I went through. I gave him advice and told him I loved him like a brother and my door is always open. then I run into many of the guys who I worked with as an electrician including the previous one I mentioned. during every conversation with each of them was how are you? we miss you? when are you coming back? and eveything else that made me realize how special I was to these guys who took me under their wings as a rookie and helped me learn how wire and do the finest work like they did.. so as I finished up with them I was pretty choked up because at times looking out these windows at my sickest moments I have caught myself wondering many times when I am alone "does anyone really care?? that was answered.. then later gena has a little sister amy who is in her mid to late 20's who I have known for about 9 years since gena and have been together. I have always thought of her like my own sister and wanted to protect her. she married a guy that I worked with who she met through me.. to make this a little shorter he was not a good friend but a work aquaintance who wanted to hang out with me at times, especially during bowhunting. they hooked up and got engaged and she got pregnant soon after. two weeks from her due date him and I were working with some guys and staying on the road at a hotel and we shared a room. I had just went up to this job and he was already there for a few weeks and had himself a little friend there if you know what I mean. I at first was not believing what I was seeing but then anger set in. then to top it off this woman that he was messing with was unaware of his engagement and her pregnancy until one of the other guys told her. then they found out that she happened to be a sister to my girlfriend. so night after night these women drilled me trying to find out who she was and how to get a hold of her. finally after feeling guilty I gave them enough info to make contact with her.. from that point on she knew where it came from and she told me the night of the wedding that she knew it was me that gave the info to these women but nothing else was mentioned and I didn't know how she felt about it.. so for over a year I have worried and felt guilty until the night of the dance. I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her like a sister and never wanted to hurt her. I told her how bad it hurt and how guilty I felt to do that. she started to cry and told me she loved like a brother and thanked me for what I had did. she said she was never mad at me and looked at me even more like a brother after that. she is a hard woman to understand since she has such a hard outershell. she hides so deep in her feelings that you are never sure where you stand with her. I was blown away that after all this she asked me to be her daughters godparent and to be in their wedding. so for longer then a year this has just killed me making me feel like I did the wrong thing. I was pretty choked up when I realized what a beautiful person she is inside.. so with that taken care of I then danced with the beautiful woman that is mine girlfriend with feelings running wild and emotions drained. we danced and danced and hugged and kissed on the dance floor and I know that her feelings for me are strong and real. so then I sat there feeling guilty that she has waited on me 9+ years and still comes through this door every night. I know what I want and I know where my heart is and my ulimate question was answered that night!! I do want to marry this woman and spend the rest of my life with her.. It took a night like this and a fifteen mile walk in the cold sprinkling rain but I have my answer and it has been there for many years. it was fear and fear alone that kept me from taking this farther. which brings me to why I understand why she did what she did. I do not always open up and say how I feel. I find it much easier putting it here in words with my watery eyes and emotions flowing. I grew up not being told "I love you" on a regular basis so to me its tough and often almost foreign..not anymore, this is my time to act and my time to show her the man I really am. it just took a night of everyone digging at my heart and scrambling around my feelings to dig up the answer that was hidden deep inside and I always knew was there.. so tonight I am going to let you ,my DS friends and Gena, the love of my life and woman of my dreams get inside my heart and to see how I really feel... I love you Gena, you stood by me through the toughest times and you have comforted me when I was sick and scared. it is now our time to have our special day and to work towards that.. I now know without a doubt!!!

Chad