deoxyribose's Journal

For the past year, my life has not been fun. But, from the hundred or so people who deleted me for that reason, I learned, I should be happy no matter what is going on in my life. I forgot! Some deleted me as I put up more and more true information about the world, which is almost as bad as the other reason for tossing me in the trash.

How is that reasonable? If I am sitting here every day with a shit eating grin on my face when all this nasty stuff is going down, wouldn't I be certifiably crazy?? No apparently, just the opposite, I am certifiable for feeling bad!

I have never had so much shit piled on me at any one time in my life before and I panicked and didn't know what to do, but so what? Wouldn't you? Isn't this a normal response?? I am the sole individual holding everything up in a precarious balance in my family and I was totally unprepared for this responsibility.

For those who missed the details, I got married and found out I would be laid off a month apart. This caused huge fights between me and my new husband that got out of hand and the justice system became involved. Somewhere in there my dad took mom to the ER for emergency surgery because she had an infection from a knee replacement surgery that didn't respond to 8 weeks of oral antibiotics.

She almost died from the infection and later from the IV antibiotics that shut her liver down. This was missed because Dr Edwards had her on 4 antidepressants and her hallucinations were diagnosed as Schizophrenia and she was put on Risperidone! 5 psychotropic medications is enough to kill anyone, so I wrote a strongly worded letter to her family doctor and asked that she fix this and keep Edwards away from my mom, which she did :)

Not to mention, every time mom had one of her dozen surgeries, she could not replenish the lost blood and the hospital always waited 3 days before giving her blood! She was starved of blood and oxygen to her brain repeatedly and no one thought anything of it no matter how much I complained!! I must say, she is not the same person as she was at the start of all this . . .also because she fell so many times while in the care of hospital staff. She had a really bad concussion one time, with a bruise on her face that lasted 4 months.

During this time, dad had a minor surgery which caused a major stroke, and he will never be the same. I started doing research into how to help my parents with nutrition, supplements, herbs etc and three months too late, got dad's doctor on board. Also, because of this research, Boris and I changed our diet and started on supplements, and you know what? Our marital problems vanished! Where counseling had failed, nutrition won. I challenge any of you to do this same research and not end up further down the rabbit hole.

Mom's doctor was never on board with her taking supplements, even simple vitamins, so I had to sneak them to her every day, and finally, she started getting better. This research and administration of supplements for my parents became my entire world, at the expense of everything else I needed to do. What would you do? Let the medical establishment kill your only family? Every other relative I have lives in the US and I have only met them two or three times. My parents and my husband are all that I have.

Dad's new doctor allowed him vital supplements that made it so he didn't need a daily injection of B12 after a while. Before I had been able to get him on this new regiment, I had to explain to nursing home staff his behavior was not normal despite the stroke. They had taken him off the B12 and iron that had been prescribed, for no reason, and he was getting worse by the day. I had to tell them how to do their job, and of course this makes me mad. He said he felt he went to the nursing home to die, and it seemed he was right . . .unless I did something.

I had to do this again even after his open minded doctor had allowed him all these supplements. I guess he figured that was the end of his responsibility? Dad's feet swelled up like footballs, and the nurses, for two months, did nothing about it ! I finally had to call his doctor and insist he go see my dad because this had gone on waaaay too long. Turns out he didn't need a certain medication anymore because the supplements were making him better and this was the side effect of the drug!

I told the nursing home when he takes his supplements, his heath is under control and they needed to monitor his medications to see if they were necessary. Did they listen? Obviously not. I am trying to anticipate things to make life manageable, and they do nothing but ignore me until there is a serious issue as a result. He is supposed to be taken care of in the home, and he is not, I still have to be the one who is always there making sure he is ok.

Is this not supposed to make me mad? I just got married and me and Boris had to go through a crash course of how to make it work amidst the parents mutual crisis AND somehow I was supposed to be doing this online course I'd signed up for and look for work. I was, and still am, totally overwhelmed and angry and depressed, and I am supposed to just be happy instead. Do these people, that were supposedly friends, even live in reality??

And for some reason, because I worked in neuroscience doing repetitive mindless tasks I cannot find work in any other field. It doesn't help that I was mistreated by my first boss and then other staff members later on when people unqualified to do so (the lab tech's), were given the responsibility of safety for the entire building. I don't think I have any good references to speak of from my last three years of work. I have never experienced mismanagement of a facility to this degree. That is what happens when you put a scientist where a manager should go.

I had tried to make things safer when told it was my job to do so, but because I had no way of knowing what impact it may have, every one started to hate me. How does that make sense? We were given a task with no input on how to carry it out, so I did the best I could! Apparently I was supposed to do nothing at all.

Too many people for too long had done nothing, and so many people were sick and injured as a result of the inadequate safety measures in the building, including myself. The illnesses I had while working there all disappeared when I was away from that toxic building long enough. The respiratory issues, the rashes, the headaches and vomiting, all went away. But now, there it is on my employment record, the countless number of days I missed work. I am sure this is not helping me find work now.

Before this I was receiving attendance awards from my last job, so it is not a personality flaw. But how are future employers supposed to know this? I tried to dress up my experience at he CCBN as favorably as possible, but it was really the worst job I have ever had. Never before have I been treated so badly. I have always succeeded in other jobs and been considered an asset, but not this time and I have no idea why. Right out of the gate Rob insulted me in front of my entire lab, and it was all downhill from there.

I am angry and depressed and this is normal from what I can tell, but people I trusted continue to condemn me for my feelings. I feel like I am a throw away person at this point because my life is not spent making others happy beside my family and at the expense of myself. But what would you do? I take warm baths and listen to guided meditation tapes, and play with my cats and walk as much as possible and take supplements and eat right, and still, I am unhappy about the way things are. Is that not normal though, considering what is going on??

The end of this month , I lose my EI income (and maybe will get welfare which I believe is $400 a month), then the end of the next month, Boris loses his because he is done his program, but he has no options for gov't assistance since he is not a landed immigrant. I cannot pay bills with only $400 a month, and this is a terrifying prospect. All I've worked for for the past 8 years could be gone, just like that.

I am truly sorry to those I have offended with my misery, but I will not pretend this is not happening to shield others. That would be a huge lie and I don't agree with lying or keeping secrets, especially secrets that eat you up inside. Life is real, life happens, we all have common experiences and we give each other strength through understanding.

That's all I have hoped for is that others who have gone through similar things can share with me what they did to get through it, because I am totally lost on this right now in my life . . .