Levismommy's Journal

I wasn't sure how to TITLE this, but Levi's anniverasary is on Tuesdsay.

I'm still in school, doing well, and everyone at home is fine. Toady has been weird, sad, blah, restless.

It's been two years since my boy left.....I have so much going on yet i still feel stagnant and unsure of who i am. I am always searching and this void is still open and deep.

I wrote a friend and i told her that our "voids" can only be filled with God. I know this is true, but how can it happen when I still have so many walls up around my soul and heart?

I yearn for my child, still. I hate that day, still. But, I wnat to make Levi proud if he can see me.

Since this is my journal, I'll get deep for a minute...LOL!

It's like I'm in a paper bag. I'm little, so little. I know how to fight but i can't. I just can't. It's just a bag! But, I'm not strong enough to get out.

I'm not me. I don't know who i am or who I want to be really. Still. I know sertain things.....I want to be a good mother and wife. I want to be a good friend. I want to get a degree. I want God to envelop me and take me back to His safety. Those are my wants. But, as far as God is concerned, i'm still so dang distant.

I don't know where to start. I have repented and asked for forgiveness. i have asked for my heart to be opened, my eyes to be opened. But something is still not clicking. i'm still in that bag.

I don't know if any of this makes sence. I assume that it does to some. I'm just ready to be free and to have understanding. I only need to know how, ya know?