Levismommy's Journal

I'm not on much anymore, but I will check in more often! I need to so that I am available for those that are new and for those that may need to vent. I definately care, still, emmensely....

Life is still life, but one day, it will be even better.

I think of Levi often throughout my day, this time of year is difficult, this time of life is difficult.

The house that he passed in is now my rental property. My tenant moved out and i have been there frequently to manage the yard.

I realized yesterday that I had no memories of Levi playing in the yard, it scared me, as if I had forgotten. But, remembering, Levi died when it was still cold here and we had only been in our home (when we lived there) for three months.

It was our first home. It was the place that I had truly begun dreaming of our future with our children. I was so filled with joy and life and ambitions. i felt acomplished. I felt at peace. Surgeries were over for levi as well as the illnesses....then, he was simply gone. I left with him.

I swear, after he left, I saw twins everywhere. I truly did.And, honestly, I was angry...felt cheated....I had twins, I carried them, they were both over seven pounds, I almost died afterwards....yes, I guess that I still feel cheated!

But, Levi was my special gift from God....he was my teacher in so many ways.

I hadn't had a baby in 7 years, then, like a tidal wave, I was expecting twins....and levi, came from me with problems that I couldn't fix. I don't like the word "problems", but, it is what it is.....

When he came from me, I was scared...I loved him, doubtlessly, but, as a mother, I was very scared....pnemonia at birth, the NICU for two weeks, hanging on minutes and encouragements from the wonderful NICU nurses....then, walking out of that hospital with my baby, triumphantly....yet, still waiting two and a half months for his surgery.

He cried all of the time, sometimes i wanted to run down the street, pulling my hair! Somewtimes I cried as I held him, knowing that his head hurt and that I couldn't "fix" it.....but most of the time, I held him, rocked him and prayed for him. Oh, yes, I sang to him...always.

Surgery came.....i buckled, again....we waited and waited for the "news",then, I rushed as if the fire of hell was beneath me to see my baby. He was ghost white....barely able to move and unable to cry...his insision from ear to ear. I felt him and panicked, he was so cold, as if he was empty....

The nurses at this phenominal hospital told me that he was fine, that it was normal....I said no, do something and do it now....

The next dat, his hermaticrit levels were dangerously low, go figure....he had to have an emediate transfusion...

Again, struggling for life, he bounced back, began to giggle twenty four hours later and three days later, got to come home....amazing...breath taking. he was so damn strong.

I had 5 wonderful months with him afterward.......That I will never forget.

But, maybe, I will always feel cheated. I am a mother, they came from me and took a piece of me as they went. How can I not ache for what came from my body and my soul?