Levismommy's Journal

Zachy was in the hospital for a few days with pnemonia...suprisingly enough, I didn't lose myself in it. They decided that he had the begining og pnemonia and he has asthma, it is actually seriouse stuff, this asthma. So, we are giving him breathing treatments now, several times a day and will continue as needed until and if he still needs them later.

The only part that shook me about the hospital was the ER, it is the very same ER that we said goodbye to levi in 3 years ago. I saw the room that he was last in, where I held him with my husband and our Pastor and his wife. I closed my eys from it, instead of fixating on all of the hurt. I don't want to live in that place anymore.......i simply can't.

I didn't think much about that throughout the stay, I couldn't.

But, what I have realized is that it is now time to invest all of my emotion into my family that is here and to love them like I once did before I became afraid to love so much ever again.

So, I heard a story today that brought a surge of light throughout me......

There are forest fires everywhere and much destruction with these fires of life and of nature. But, as we all know, these fires may eliminate what was once there but, they create new life, a new forest as well.

But, in a particular fire that destroyed this section of forestry, after the fire was extinguished, a man of some title with fish and game (or something relative) took to the grounds where once a forest lived....

he stumbled upon these stumplike mounds several times, so he kicked one, curiouse as to what this mound was.

Once he kicked the mound, it turned over, revealing and releasing several baby birds that where confined beneath it.

In inspection, the man realized that the mound, was in fact, the mother of these baby birds.....she had covered her children with her own body to sheild them and to save them from the fire so that they may live......and the story continued with each mound that he pushed over, baby birds being freed because of their mother's sacrifice....true story....

I cried as this man told this, he did as well, which made my heart ache all the more.

How many times have i wished to take Levi's place or my other children when they have hurt...and without hesitance, I would sheild them from a fire with my own life if given the chance.....that is what makes me a mother, a parent and in some cases, a friend.....truly...that is the me that I have been looking for, the me that was lost and burried in pain.

I am a baby bird mother! LOL.....most mothers are......especially my friends here.

I am the person who cares to the point of misunderstanding by those that watch me......I have always been that way.

As a child, I compulsively rescued things.....i wanted to heal them and set them free. It was my talent, the gift that God has given me.

And with Levi, I loved him, fought for him, held him when he cried and coughed all night and I tried, with all of me, to sheild him from it all, even his death. Now, there is only so much that a mother can do, but we never let that hold us back nor do we restrain what is inside of us. We do not consider the consequence of what our efforts may cause us later, we do it and we do it with greatness.

After Levi died, i lost that....almost completely.

Now, I'm not calling myself a saint by ANY means, but what I am saying is that I have hated that part about me and now I realize that it is a gift, who God made me to truly be. That is my life purpose....to give and to help and to fight for those who need fought for and to be proud of it.

So, I am here, if you need someone, to take you beneath my wings and shelter you from the storm with all of my might. I am good at it, so if you should need, let me try.

Lins