Levismommy's Journal

I am doing better and better friends. I have been sober for a month now and therapy is helping much. i still can not remember the treatment's name that I am recieving! it starts with an R. if that helps? I can remember numbers better than words...LOL!

Levi would have been 4 this coming 19th, lacey will be 4. It's a bit emotional, I miss him so much. That will never stop. But, in therapy, the therapist is teaching me to have visits with levi in my mind, like daydreams. It's one of the last steps in the "process" that I endured last weeks. I had to imagine a safe place, a comforting place to be with Levi.

I imagined a radiant sunset that enveloped us, an emense,elgant and bloomed willow tree above us and a sweet summer scent. Levi and i were sitting beneath the willow,  shaded by it's long, droopy branches. he sat between my legs, playing with blades of grass....smiling at me....his eyes were so blue, big and endlessly, deeply blue.

I love imagining that again.

I have to return to the last two steps of the therapy process two times a day. It has been helping.

The first process was to return to the day that he died, step by step, by the hour, by my feelings, everything was brought back. That took over an hour. i cried so hard.

The second process was to return to the day that Levi died, step by step, every detail as the first, but in the ned, to find Levi breathing and waking up instead. I was to bring a person into this process that I trusted, to be with me and levi.

the last process I explained above. And any time that I want, I can imagine levi with me and I'm allowed to believe that it's real. Maybe it is? I know that he lives on, so why not?

The thing is this, I wouldn't allow myself to find any good surrounding his death. how could I find a way to feel good? When i saw him, I died with him in so many ways. Good was the furthest from my mind and heart.

But, now, it's a matter of living still and finally having some peace. i'm so tired of hurting and blaming and the bitterness that began to consume me. I was not a bitter person before, I had a good heart and a desire to be kind to others. I want to be that way again.

That baby took my breath away with everything that he did, through his life and in his death. Loving him was so easy but he always made me push through my limits, beyond what I thought I could do or handle. In his sickness and surgeries, I thought for sure that I would go insane from the pain, when he smiled and laughed and said momma, I felt that I had never known such love and was not aware that there could be so much love. And in his death, I could not imagine living on, but he left a sister and a brother and i knew that God did that on purpose, I had to fight and not surrender to my agony. I almost did, so many times, but my soul kept on, .

Then, Zachy came and i went crazy again, sure that he would die, stop breathing, choke or whatever. I went so off the deep end then that I began to drink. Then, after my drinking increased, I was certain that I would die from the alcohal. Somehow I didn't. And, somehow, I am still given anopther chance at life.

This websight has helped me tremendously. My sweet friends here know me better than those physically close to me. I have devulged my strangest emotions here, online!LOL!

I am here for you too, just so ya know!

and, if you have never seen a willow tree, i think that the best way to describe one is like god's hand shading you from the heat and all that is ugly. It's the most beautiful tree in all of the world. One might say that it looks sad as it bends it's branches to the ground but i see a willow relaxing so peacefully and not so concerned about standing up straight like all of the rest of the trees.....