Levismommy's Journal

I realized today that in just a few more months, my husband and I will have been married for five years, together six. Now, I know that five years doesn't seem long but it has seemed to be a long journey.

Everything happened so fast for us, everything. I was pregnant a month and a half after we were married, then we dicovered it was with twins! Then, the preganancy, bills, no money, you all know the story as it is classic. i had gone from one world to another, my oldest son by my side, watching and wondering. The babies came, I got sick, Levi was sick and life began to hurt. my husband was a wreck, our daughter and my oldest boy stayed with my in laws while I recovered. The blessing was that I was right across from the NICU while I stayed in the hospital. I would stumble over to Levi and hold him, some times the nurses would get on me and tell me to take care of myself, but I never cared and i never listened because the only thing that seemed to soothe me was him.

we got levi out of the hospital then came the surgery. He almost died then too. My husband was scared, our daughter with us, my oldest at my inlaws, again, this time a little more distant from us. Everything was just so scary, constant, unchartered. I felt like climbing the walls, again wondering if i would get to keep my son. After transfusions and a rough recovery, we got Levi home again.

Then, after it all, after good health and happiness, I found him gone in his crib. I was alone that day, my husband had taken my son to Barnes and Noble for a comic book (a special one).

Life never stopped hurting, but for brief moments that seemed to keep us alive, just enough to keep going, we'd have a moment of reprieve, just a moment.

Three years has almost passed now and somehow, lately, I have to courage to look back at where we've been, my husband and i, my son and my daughter. We have lived in the darkness of pain, all of us. I had shut off for longer than I can remember or place time on. I'm here again, almost too late, but here none the less. I just want to feel the breath of life re enter me. I want to be a light for my children and husband.

We'll go to Levi's spot on the 4th and bring him a present. This year, I'll look back at the laughter i had with my levi, the tenderness and the unbreakable connection.........I never knew love like he showed me.

On my five year anniversary, I will look at my husband and tell him that I love him and that I am back to stay. I'll remember that we once laughed all the time and what it was like to fall in love with him in the first place.

I will lay beside my oldest son and baby him more. I will listen to him and let him know how marvelous he is.

And my daughter, I will teach her to be the woman that she wants to be one day, but for now, we'll just play and love eachother, cuddle and sing.

Zachy, I will blow bubbles for him more and walk through the house with his hand wrapped around my finger. I'll teach him how to potty and watch him in wonder as he grows to be a little boy.

It will always hurt not to have one of my children with me and it will always be an unnatural fact that I have to face. As mothers or parents, we dream of watching our children grow but some times, we face a nightmare that took us from behind and that nightmare really never ends, even if it hides in a place that no one else can see.

But, there is hope. When the flowers finally bloom and the snow melts, I can bring Levi flowers and play in the sun with my three other miracles.