Journal

I heard it again, yesterday, that "who knows what struggles Levi might have had"....yes, my stomach turned and i was tempted to let loose....but i took it and let it go. What do they know, any of them? And for that matter, what do I know?

It's NOT comforting, it's infuriating in the moment and sometimes there after. I'm one who remembers things....words that others say to me....so, I'm working on that...for my own sanity and peace of mind.

So, I'm not on a lot....it's hard to keep up....and, friends, I may be taking a vacation of sorts....i have explained that i drank quite a bit for a while....not so much now....but, for some reason, so beyond my finite comprehension, i'm getting weaker whithin myself more every day...I'm lost again.....

levi's death started off a long trial period, of course, but, so many other trials came into play simultaniously....and, my light has kinda just burned out.

I have been fighting it and being honest about my confusion and exhaustion but, goodness, i have so little fight left whithin me.

I am dissapointed in myself, yet, it was bound to happen. And, I do not want to dissapeer into this hole, no, i do not.

I may go to treatment....i am not thrilled about this...but I have to be willing to admit my limitations and do what is best for me and my family....ahhhhh, embarrassing....humbling, somehow unfair but also somehow, lol, intertwined with my destiny and this journey I have trudged not so gracefully as of late. i have no grace....my dignity lost somewhere in the air or in that hole i'm looking down at with disdain....

I want and will fight for me, who am I now anyways? I will discover my inner trength and own my grace and dignity again.

I will ache and miss my son for my lifetime, but I need me again, however me is, the true me. A woman of strength and gentleness....a woman with wisdom and understanding. Pain is over rated anymore....it just hurts to much and devours all around it.

 It's almost been four years and it still makes me almost tremble with anger when people say "well, there must have been something wrong with him that no one could foretell or see"....."maybe it was a blessing that you didn't have to deal with him being very sick".....

The thing is, Levi was sick when he was born, I already cried those hot tears, hoping and praying that he would live.....then, after he was released from the NICU and healed from the pnemonia, we almost lost him again when he had his surgery on his skull....i KNOW that pain....and I know that I would ache that way every day to have kept him....yet, for Levi's sake, I would never want him to know that kind of pain again.....

BUT, levi was healthy, healed beautifully from his surgery and active, happy and amazing....

I know people don't know what to say....i remember that when I hear this stuff.....

But, it hits a nerve....Levi had things "wrong" with him and we and he survived those battles. I remember people looking at his twin sister in awe and then looking at him and really not having much to say or asking what was "wrong" with him before the surgery for his craniosynostosis. I hated that then. Because I was proud of both of my babies and I knew it was amazing that we had twins and more so, that modern medican would and had help him with his condition.

I suppose.....others can not see my mind, my memories and know like I know......

So, I will tell them that, kindly and as smoothly as posssible, they do not know .....