hope20z's Journal

I am no longer here. I am a lost entity of society, actually I never could define myself as that. Once I am gone I am gone and forgotten, this makes it much easier to lose myself. No I am sure that my parents will never forget  the horrible suicidal death of their son happened because he was depressed and ridden with anxiety, eating disorders, multiple personalities, and the list goes on and on. If I was to kill myself and people were to remember I am positive that they would remember me as the true American Psycho. I get so frustrated at times, even on the smallest things they just bothered me. I just want to sleep all the time. I am on an amazingly high dose of Seroquel and xanax I am also over my limit on lithium every time I go to to get a lithium check it is always over. I am so overweight my BMI is over the roof and I really depressed about it. But, there is nothing that I need to be depressed about yet I am depressed all the time, if I was able to I would sleep in all day but I am combined with the horrible anxiety that rids me of my sleep around 7 in the morning every morning. I guess tomorrow if I am up at that time I will go tan since I paid for it with my debt that I am falling into so horribly fast. I need to freeze or cut credit cards like you all suggested. 

I have lost all characteristics of being human, I just want to sleep until I die, or am forgotten. This fucking sucks! Every time that I go back to school I get this way and I don't know why. School means so much to me and I know that I am really scared about this. School is life to me it is my future, I have nothing else. 

I have realized much about this, but I enjoy writing in this journal, strangers are more helpful than friends sometimes. Plus this is nice to write freely rather than discreetly.

There is nothing like good support and that is what I think I am getting here.  I just hope that I can get out of this weird funk. I have never been here and I don't know how to navigate my way around... I don't know how to get out, where to go, where I want to go. What do I want to do in my future, what is my future? Do I need to keep myself in school? I want to, my dreams lie around the shining bachelors. I am so confused and lost. I just want to be alone, just me and just my family, no one else. I am trapped here and they will be too. 

Some thing that scared me tonight was when I was on the highway and I felt like getting into a huge car accident so that I would be killed if not extremely injured and hospitalized. The thought was for one split second but I was so real that it scared me I began to breathe fast and my heart was racing as if I had a panic attack.

Ok my meds are kicking in and I need to go to bed. Good night moon.