Journal

I can't believe that I am still at my mom's house, I want to go home, I want to go home to my dad's. I cant believe that my best friend is still no talking to me. I dont know what happened. I dream about and think about her often. She is obviously not a good friend if she is swayed stronger by her partner than another friend, especially one that had always been there for here. Now I need her and and she is not there for me. I have no real friends right now around me and it's sad. It is depressing that I have no one. I still contemplate suicide, simply because I have lost almost everything. I think the more that I talk about suicide the less it is likely that I am going to go through with it. However, I am on the thin ledge. I am tired of this, nothing is getting better. 

Mom started crying and asked to talk to me about how I am hurting her feelings. I can't believe this because I am giving her everything that she wants and more, I know that it may hurt her that sometimes I am not too happy about delivering more and more to her room as she sits there and does nothing to learn drive or to get her own ice for her knee. These are things that she needs to begin to do. Occupational therapy. Get food, clean up, walk the dog, Do something so I can go home sooner. I am sure that she feels bad that I keep calling dad's house home as I have lived with her in the past. But I really do want to go. This day will mark two weeks absent from the museum, I hate to do that to them, but I have no choice. I can't leave my mother alone for so long. I am a compassionate person because I am still here, she has told me to go home in anger, but her should never survive without my help. Of course she could find some friends to help but she hates to ask and have then in house when she in sick. 

I am going to go ask mom if I can break off for a movie at about noon for a coupe of hours. Wish me luck.  

I want to have a wedding. I want to get married to someone who loves me. The only back lash is that we live in a country that denies homosexuals the right to get married. In some sates we get the ability to gain the legal rights and tax deductions. I want to know the the person that I am marring, I want to share secrets with them. Unfortunately, night after night I sit and watch movies on the couch drinking crazy expensive champaign, which right now I am out of and I don't feel like popping a new bottle, at least not until mimosas in the morning. I am sad that I am lonely right now. There was a guy from freshman year in college that had a crush on me and he lives here in Denver and we were communicating and we were going to meet up and then life happened for a couple of weeks and we didn't talk and now he has been seeing someone. And it is because of this stupid website connexion and i hate meeting people to date on the internet. URG. I am lonely and confused and I am tired, I want to go to bed but I cant for some reason, but I am going to go try. Oh and I keep cutting myself. I don't know how to stop there is something that simply draws me to cut myself again and again. Someone tell me what to do. 

Later last night I just broke down to my mother. I don't know what I would expect from suicide. Where do you go? Is it horrible there, dark lonely? I meet with my doctor on Thursday and I am anticipating telling something to her and maybe we will change or add some medication to my cocktail. I am already so dosed out I can't even remember the day prior to present. With regards to suicide I don't know what to choose. Will I remember the life that I lived and be trapped in a jail for eternity. 

I have an iPhone. The only people that call or text me are my parents. It's so sad that there is no one else that wants to even say hi. My Birthday was last Sunday and not one person called to say hello or to ask how I am doing. I am simply disposable to people, friends don't wish to be around me. I can't imagine how good it would feel to get a phone call or even hang out with a friend sometime. I take a significant amount of Xanax, both regular and extended release. I think that must keep me from loosing it. I am stuck in my mom's house here while she is sick and bed ridden recovering from a total knee replacement surgery. The one nice this is that I get to drive her new audi. She totaled two jaguars in this last year so the audi is a more economical automobile for her right now. Maybe when she is older she can change back. 

I am scared that my doctor is going to take my xanax away after the two years I have been using it. I keep Thinking that this is going to happen tomorrow. That she is simply going to have a change of heart and begin to pull the xanax, but I know that she allows both of us to make decisions and I can tell her that I don't want to come off of the pill just yet and that it is helping me stay sane, in control, stabilized and somewhat not suicidal.

I don't want that drug to go away from me. I am not too dependent on it but I do wish that I have the knowledge to understand the Dr. Power is not going to take it away, she is a good doctor. I love her as a doctor and I am thankful that she is staying on with me for a long time, however, she is a resident and she will move forward without me someday. But, if and when she does move on and she goes to a privet practice I will be there as a patient. 

I will write prior to or after my visit with Dr. Power. Z.