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cecejohns49 
Here I am, two weeks later. A lot can happen in two weeks. Since my last entry, Mom's had a couple of good outside activities - her sorority had a day-long conference and gave her a lot of verbal and physical support when she showed up for the events. I drove her to the event and picked her up. She was very happy. Then, last weekend, my daughter came home from college on fall break and was my surrogate caregiver in the evenings.
On Tuesday, Mom had her first visit with the facility's doctor. The doctor was pleasant, knowledgeable and respectful. After a lengthy Q&A (medical history, etc), she prescribed Zoloft now and Namenda in about six weeks. Currently, she's taking Razadyne, which seems to help. My mom's super intelligent and the doctor said that highly intelligent people seem to be aware that they're losing control and that it can cause depression. I'm not surprised.
I haven't seen her since Tuesday because my daughter has been stopping by for me. It's Friday evening and my daughter took her to a movie this afternoon. I'm grateful, but feel guilty when I think about Mom in the facility without my being there. I want her to be happy and I know she's not really happy right now. She hasn't been happy for the last several years. Truthfully, I'm not sure she was ever happy, but at least she was independent. Now, she isn't even capable of doing anything independently. It's really, really sad. The hardest thing for me to deal with is my guilt - I feel guilty because she's in assisted living and that I didn't have her move in with me. I couldn't handle it and I feel guilty about that.
I feel guilty because I don't want to go visit her every day, even though I keep up with the responsibilities. It's not that I dislike her, because I don't. It's just that I feel so burdened. I'm in a sandwich situation - a daughter who's not quite an adult, a husband, and a job. I just can't make myself get up and drive the five minutes to visit her every day.
Oh, well. Enough of beating myself up. I feel better just by seeing my feelings in print. Thanks for letting me share.
