Shamedtothecore's Journal

My life has been over the top stressful lately. I received a brutal edit on chapter 1. The editor basically took a free hand at changing my work without respecting author voice. She made subjective changes that were unnecessary, illogical, inappropriate and wordy. When I confronted her, she gave illogical and evasive answers as to why she made the changes. The second time I discussed the matter with her, she told me she had gone to her supervisor and he had said her changes made the work clearer. This is inaccurate. 

I showed the work to another author who works for the same company and she concurred with me that the changes were unnecessary, changed the meaning of what I had to say, and contained errors.

For the past 7 - 8 days I have been working 14 hours on the book and 3 hours at job per day. I am driving myself too hard. I am preparing a couple of documents for the president to support my case. Something has to be done.

Last night at work with the girls I made an error. I had been up for approximately 22 hours in a row. I had worked some extra hours and I mistakenly thought that the Friday meeting could be deducted from my office hours so I informed them that I was taking the next two days off. Fran balked at this and said I would have to infom the main office. I did not want to get into it with the department head etc, though I could  so I decided to go in and talk to the girls.

I was so honest and open with them. I told them I had not been clear in my communications with them re why I was takilng the day off and I also was wrong about the meeting being a part of office hours--in fact it was extra. At first I felt really good about what I had done, but I later realized that I had ended up losing some of the flexibility I had gained by pushing it too far with the girls. I also just woke up after having a nightmare on the subject.

I have an issue with people telling me what to do. It triggers past pain. My parents always tried to control me and it was always their way. I have learned through therapy that in such instances when I am triggered, I must identify the trigger. I have just done this. Once the trigger has been identified, I have to detach from it. For example, I can see what it feels like to let the girls lead me and show me their way. The girls are not my parents. I am not their child. This is a different situation. Sometimes, I can let other people set rules that make them feel comfortable.

I am thinking that in response to my nightmare--which seemed to be all about them getting their way and forcing me to comply with it needed to be addressed somehow with the girls. However, the girls have been pretty dam nice all thilngs considered. I like them for the most part. I can work with them. Why can't I simply do what they say. Of course I can do it. I have also stressed with them that I cannot do more that 12.5 hours and they seem to accept that. So I did have a chance to explailn that to them.

This whole thing is very stressful. I am trying to address the brutal edit on my book as quickly as possible so that the editing process will not be delayed. I can only do so much.

Even with all the stress, I am still happy in my new job. I don't have to teach and it is a wonderful gift because it was too stressful and I couldn't seem to get over the way it triggered me. I always had to work super hard to ensure I would not be rejected. Now I am in an environment where the work pace is slow. It is a pleasant change.