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harvah8 
I know I haven't been on here in forever. I was doing pretty well until a couple of months ago. As I've talked about in previous journals I'm in graduate school. I'm getting a doctorate in clinical psychology. Part of my program involves completing practicums (they're like unpaid internships). My school places at our practicum sites which means we have no say over where we go or who we get to work with. My practicum this year is working with sex offenders. Given my personal history of rape and sexual abuse this is awful for me. I am struggling so badly to cope with this. I am supposed to be their therapist. I have countertransference all over the place (which is when you as the therapist project your own crap onto your clients). I see my rapists in the clients. In the sound of their voice, in the way they wear their hair... Lots of ways.
And this site has highlighted all of these other experiences I had as a child and teen that were really not okay. Like when I was 14 and this 20 year old guy kissed me and went up my shirt. I never thought anything of it, but that age difference is really inappropriate. This practicum site just brings up all of the past crap i've been through.
My practicum site and my school both do not know about my past. I'm really scared that if they would know that they'd just think I wasn't fit to be a therapist which is not an unfounded thought given the mentality my program has. I need more support and guidance than what I'm getting. Its not just affecting me, but its affecting my ability to do my job. It is getting in the way of me helping my clients in the way that i'm supposed to. I don't talk about things that i can't handle even if it is what my sex offender clients need to talk about. I also avoid confrontation in anyway with them. I dont want to make them upset, thats terrifying. I wouldnt feel safe. I dont feel safe.
I cannot quit my site it is not an option given my program. I would have to withdraw from the whole semester and all of my classes. And if I quit it'd be like letting these men control me AGAIN! I want to take control back from them... I dont know what to do. I dont know if i should tell my supervisor or what...
Comments
hmmm... this is a really tough situation. And to be honest, I really don't know what advice I can give you, except that you really need to think about your mental and emotional health. I understand not wanting to give up... but you also need to weigh whether or not you're able to handle the emotions and feelings. Also, I would talk to your supervisor. I hope this helps.
jamminjamie79
I know you how you feel. The first Master's program I went into was in Marriage and Family Therapy, and about half way through I chickened out, plus realized who I am because I couldn't handle it along with my past as well.
However, in your situation, I would suggest you go talk to another therapist in order to work through these issues, so that you don't experience transference and countertransference at the intensity you are having them.
I am taking time off before I go for my Doctor of Psychology from the University of the Rockies in Organizational Leadership, at least one year to save up and get out of debt.
I commend you for getting into this program, and I wouldn't suggest telling anyone in it because it could ruin you, but I believe if you go to another therapist that will help you out tremendously on working through it, so it doesn't interfere with your schooling.
Congrats on making it this far, and don't give up.
eklord
Hi, you don't know me, but I just stumbled upon your journal entry. My name's Darla... Can't you say you have a conflict of interest and get your practicum some place else?
xXforeverOaOchildXx
When you graduate and become a therapist aren't you able to choose what type of therapy you go into? If so, then I would say go ahead and tell your supervisior becuase obviously not conducting therapy in this topic area for your practium will not hurt your career choices as it is not one of the topics you want to go into. (i hope that makes sense)---
Eliza