NicciH22's Journal

God i dunno whats wrong with me!!! This will prob sound really crazy but its something ive been thinking for a while but put off doing anything about, prob coz i feel like it makes me a failure, but i think i might be bipolar. I have all the symptoms, ive looked into it a lot and when ive read peoples stories its like reading about myself. Im just scared to go to the doctor, scared in case its true that people will think im a psycho or a freak or will think it makes me a bad mum. I got diagnosed with post natel depression when my son was 5 months old but i didnt tell anyone because i was ashamed and still now the only person that knows is my partner and one close friend. they gave me tablets but i only took them for couple days then refused, i wanted to prove a point to myself that i didnt need them i think, i wish to god i had carried on taking then coz i need something! The miscarriage has made all my depressive feelings come back. i feel like ive got a split personality,  1 day ill be on top of the world, ill think im attractive, beautiful ill be prancing around buying gifts for people and singing and stuff the next day ill be crying all day, being aggressive, lashing out in frustration and i honestly to a degree cant control it. its like it totally takes over me and no one understands. this morning i hit my boyfriend, we were in bed and i was getting mad and wound up, i had just woke up aswell i was tired, grumpy, im not sleeping coz of nightmares about the miscarriage and as i went to stomp out of bed i just punched onto the bed in temper, not really hard or anything but it hit him, i did mean to hit him but i didnt wanna hurt him it was just out of frustration but instead of hitting his leg (coz he was under covers and i wasnt lookin coz i just lashed out) i hit him in his man parts.....which i felt really bad about and i really didnt mean to do. I have apologised loads but i told him im gonna see a therapist and ive tried to tell him how i feel but all he says is that were over which aint gonna help me. He said he would give me one 2nd chance.....i find that insulting because thats like hes doing me a favour. i dunno. its ok for him to say evil stuff and for him to not try and understand though isnt it. Im not saying what ive done is right and there arent excuses but at least he could try and see why i feel so angry and aggressive. why cant he look at what ive been through and the pain im in and try and see my point.