Journal

God i dunno whats wrong with me!!! This will prob sound really crazy but its something ive been thinking for a while but put off doing anything about, prob coz i feel like it makes me a failure, but i think i might be bipolar. I have all the symptoms, ive looked into it a lot and when ive read peoples stories its like reading about myself. Im just scared to go to the doctor, scared in case its true that people will think im a psycho or a freak or will think it makes me a bad mum. I got diagnosed with post natel depression when my son was 5 months old but i didnt tell anyone because i was ashamed and still now the only person that knows is my partner and one close friend. they gave me tablets but i only took them for couple days then refused, i wanted to prove a point to myself that i didnt need them i think, i wish to god i had carried on taking then coz i need something! The miscarriage has made all my depressive feelings come back. i feel like ive got a split personality,  1 day ill be on top of the world, ill think im attractive, beautiful ill be prancing around buying gifts for people and singing and stuff the next day ill be crying all day, being aggressive, lashing out in frustration and i honestly to a degree cant control it. its like it totally takes over me and no one understands. this morning i hit my boyfriend, we were in bed and i was getting mad and wound up, i had just woke up aswell i was tired, grumpy, im not sleeping coz of nightmares about the miscarriage and as i went to stomp out of bed i just punched onto the bed in temper, not really hard or anything but it hit him, i did mean to hit him but i didnt wanna hurt him it was just out of frustration but instead of hitting his leg (coz he was under covers and i wasnt lookin coz i just lashed out) i hit him in his man parts.....which i felt really bad about and i really didnt mean to do. I have apologised loads but i told him im gonna see a therapist and ive tried to tell him how i feel but all he says is that were over which aint gonna help me. He said he would give me one 2nd chance.....i find that insulting because thats like hes doing me a favour. i dunno. its ok for him to say evil stuff and for him to not try and understand though isnt it. Im not saying what ive done is right and there arent excuses but at least he could try and see why i feel so angry and aggressive. why cant he look at what ive been through and the pain im in and try and see my point.

Well this is the first time ive wrote here. Just had the urge for some reason. Its been 4 weeks tomo since it happened, well since i went to the hospital with the bleeding and i really thought i was starting to feel better about everything but i feel wrecked again today. i think i might be getting my period really soon ive had few period pain cramps so perhaps im emotional because of hormones coz i do tend to get pretty bad PMS. I cant stop thinking about whats happened, its almost like i was trying to kid myself i was still pregnant. For some stupid reason i picked up a tiny little pink cardigan in the supermarket tonight then i realised, i was like what the fuck are you doing you stupid cow then ended up in the supermarket toilet crying. it fucking angers me im like this i dont wanna be i just want everything back! im so frustrated, i fell like giving up but luckily ive got my 2 year old to keep me going. I feel guilty i couldnt give him a brother or sister, i was telling him everyday he was gonna have a brother or sister now he aint and i blame myself. I just think im useless because my body shouldve protected my baby better. My boyfriend said last night that our baby wasnt a proper baby anyway!!!! what coz it hadnt been born. thats seriously fucked my head up. i feel so alone now. I got in touch with a therapist today and im going to see her next weds, i thought i could deal with it by talking to my boyfriend but now i realy believe he doesnt care enough, and what kind of a person would say that to the woman they loved about the worst thing thats ever happened to them. its supposed to be his baby too but he obviously doesnt love it, i want my baby back because i miss waking up everyday feeling shitty........knowing that there was a good reason..........i miss wandering round looking at maternity clothes or looking at silly baby stuff. It is so unfair, all these people who abuse their kids and shit and people who are decent have theres taken away...its a sick world and im fed up of it. ive written memorial messages on websites for my baby but i cant go back and look at them, tried that today and felt sick with pain. i called my baby Mia, i am totally convinced it was a girl although ive never told anyone that because quite frankley i dont think anyone will care enough so id rather not waste their airspace with my obviously pathetic going on about my m/c. Im so fucking angry with life, im moody, grumpy and snappy all the time.,i hate myself and blame myself so i think everyone else might as well hate me. im so absorbed in my own grief i cant let anyone in, im put some huge barriers up coz im hurting so im being a bitch to my boyfriend which i dont mean but then he says stuff like that. sicko stuff. fucked up and evil. no matter whats said between us when we argue there is a line.....i can be a complete cow i know that but i know there are certain things you just dont say! ever! I only feel like half a person at the minute, theres a huge hole in my heart, it really hurts me more than i ever let on to anyone. i think im going insane. so glad im going to see this lady next week, i need to talk to someone who doesnt just tell me to get over it and move on becaiuse anyone with feelings, anyone who knows what its like to have a living person inside of you and have your whole body change like that will know that you cant just turn the feelings off and on like a light switch. this is gonna take a long time but ive taken this step myself because im at breaking point now....plus the fact im alone too.