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meandthebeast 
2:39pm, October 15, 2009
Well I worked all day yesterday and ofcourse was on DS. Just sitting here I started slipping into the deep dark hole of depression. Nothing triggered it, wasnt having an awful day, although my son yelled at me for making one small mistake on some paperwork, like he never makes any mistakes the freakin little OCD brat...... Anyway. I was reading some posts and I just wanted to start tearing some heads off. I was getting so sick and tired of seeing the same posts and wohhh is me, my life is so bad, blah blah blah blah blah. My husband is mean to me (well God, arent most of them)... I want to cut ( well why dont you go and cut your head off and get it over with ).. Just stuff like that. I just wanted to be so mean and hateful for some reason and that really isnt me. Dont get me wrong, I use to cut and burn myself with cigs to get the pain out or if I felt like I had been bad. But damn yesterday got to me. I would llike to apologize if I snapped at anyone.
I went home and I wanted to get drunk so bad. I was so pathetic.. And then the tears started and I couldnt stop them.. Im crying now just writing about it.. I think I cried for atleast three hours straight. I locked myself in my room and cried like a baby. Then I decided I wanted to share my misery with everyone and I got on the phone. Seems like no one had the time for me until they could see I was losing it and then they all called me back but I didnt want to talk then. I just called my son Dakota and cried and cried. I told him I didnt know why I was crying but I got him all worried.. How freaking stupid to call my baby and get him worried. Im glad I couldnt find Carols cell phone number (my mother) cause I know I would have called her and went off on her telling her how horrible she was for being such a shitty mother and letting that bastard destroy me the way he did. What a horrible man my step father was and she stayed with him and let him continue to destroy her kids and his two kids he had with her. I just so wanted to go off on her. It wouldnt of helped because she thinks she was the best and that she was even my room mother in high school. A room mother in high school? She must look through her rose colored glasses to much cause almost all of her kids are fuck ups in one way or another and if she doesnt think that her and Earl didnt have part to do with that then she is so fucking crazy.. How pathetic.. I thought I was over her and him but then the pain shot right back up and hit me square in the face and it hurt like hell. I started thinking about all the shit that I have been through and it fucking hurt so bad.. Ryans father leaving me pregnant, without a job or a place to live. I worked for him and he had his manager fire me and he left for a retreat so he wouldnt have to be bothered by the pregnancy. I lived with him so I not only lost my job, I lost my place to live, lost my Triumph tr6 (my sports car), and had to move back home with Carol and Earl.. What a treat..
Well the tears are rolling down my cheeks so hard again and I have to work and I cant be on the phone like this so I need to quit talking about it.. I hope my friends that read this dont find me weak. Here I am doing what I was so pissed about yesterday.. Im so stupid I couldnt poor piss out of a boot with the directions on the hill. (boy did I hear that enough from Earl). Well, Im talking like a woman with a paper asshole (another one) so I will quit for now.. I love all of you.. Stay safe and strong.. Dont let the fuckers get you down... None of them....
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Comments
WOW!!! I LOVED this; not your pain but just the way you let it all out, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! YOu can't keep it bottled up inside; I do that and it only makes things worse!!!!!! Much Love! Tam.
ROCKSTARBUNNY
WOW!!! I LOVED this; not your pain but just the way you let it all out, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! YOu can't keep it bottled up inside; I do that and it only makes things worse!!!!!! Much Love! Tam.
ROCKSTARBUNNY
oops, what the hell happened there....!!!! My computer is acting strange, just like ME..hehe
ROCKSTARBUNNY
Hey sweetie. I think we all go through times like that. You are so much stronger and will get through this. One of the reasons I try to avoid the main board is because I just can't handle stuff - on a good day I'm OK, but when having a bad day I think that's the last place I need to be. Luv and hugs.
bebu
Stop it..You are not being stupid you are being honest and sometimes that helps us deal with the shit we has to deal with in our lives and we need to sometimes get it out cause if we don't it just festers like a damb splinter and get's worse...You need to call me I will message you my number..I would love to be there for you anytime you need it..I am so proud that you didn't get shit faced that takes bravery and strenght and that just shows you how much of a stronger person you are than you give urself credit for...In times like this get it all out then think of what you learned from it and how strong it has made you and the postive that you can give to others because you don't want them to go through what you have had too...I think your doing great and remember we have a right to our feelings and we can claim them at times but we can let them go by grieving for what should have been but pick ourselves up and go on and not to let them take the strenght from us because we are better than that...Hope your feeling alittle better today, and yes I hate reading some of these journals anymore it is just poor fnnnn me nobody has as many problems as me.. crap if we sit around and wrote everything down that happen to us they may be here for months lol, that is why I just mainly do the hugs but I do love to hear from my true friends who pick themselves up and care about others and that would be you you are very special to me and I am thankful that God has put you in my path...So you have a good day my friend and be thankful for who you are and have become...Love and Hugz Vic
Mountaingal8284
Thanks guys.. it means so much.. you will never know..
meandthebeast
i want to cry all the time too. even t work but then everyone wants to know whats wrong, so i walk around with this eat shit smile on my face and laugh a little too hard at jokes. im sure most of them know im being fake but i dont care. at least their not prying into my life i dont need the rumors going around about me. and prtending to be happy makes me even more stessed. i wait till i get in my car and scream and cry till i get home then i go to the gym and work all that stress off. well not all of it but some. i appriciate your honesty i wish my friends could be that honest, well i guess you are one of my friends now so at least i have one.
freakedoutsc
hugs cos dont know what else to say to u. u r incredibly brave and i loves u meany!! xxx
winny
not stupid at all. great that you can be so honest. I think we all days like that just don't get down on your self for how you feel
justamomof2
Of course you aren't weak... far far from it!!! I'm glad you have been able to release this stuff in your journal and I hope the horrible feelings pass soon for you sweetie. Vic xxx
vod
God honey you really did get it all out there. I did this the other day and felt much better for it and i hope you do. You are an awesome friend honey, one of the best. Love yax
milly17
How old are you??[if you dont mind me asking??]Are you menopausal?? B/c I found during my menopause-if there were things I have not dealt with in my past, they rear their ugly heads during this time. I am so proud of you, you did not drink!! Good on you!Sometimes we just have to cry and that is ok,let it out.
Moab
I'm thinking and praying about you. You've been there for me and sent kind words all the time, I hope the blackness goes away. I totally understand. huggsss
BluMonarch
Dear meandthebeast you are such a kind and helpful funny @$$ friend. I agree with you..but it is so dificult when the friend's who are suicidal only tell you..it is so difficult. I talked and helped and finally I had to tell her to tell other people also. I was looking over my account thinking of slowly leaving because I was so freaking overwhelmed. I never, ever reach out and in the midst of someone telling me they were ideating/contemplating suicide, and another just admitted to ER for same.. I had to find someone online to talk to. Never have I felt so helpless and alone. Found out I have a couple who are friend's but I need to get to know my friend's and I'm glad you are one because there is no BS just straight-up honesty. Sorry you feel bad you can talk to me anytime when I am online and you don't need to fake happiness to me. I cried last night too but Prayed as well and I have to back off the Depression Boards and just visit with my small group of friends. Take care.
mamaluv
I don't think your being weak, I think it takes strength to let it all out the way you just did.
48gem
You are one of the strongest ladies I know on here and you know what...... Even strong women have days that are just suck ass .... You are not mean in any way its better to get all this out then to stuff ... I am the worlds largest stuffer and I know one day its gonna stop my heart I love you and I am sorry you had a downer day I hope it passed soon BIG BIG hugs
Dewymoon
Nothing weak about you at all Yvonne. I feel the same way about the boards, had a vent in my journal, so I know exactly how you feel. Maybe do what I do - the constant attention seekers I put on ignore, it makes the boards so much better!
If you need to cry, then cry. I know its not a particularly nice feeling, but I truly believe that it is better out than in. If we keep it in, it just shows up different ways. I'm sorry you have had such shit things happen to you, and I hate it when it kicks us down out of the blue. But remember this, if you weren't a survivor you wouldn't be here now, so give yourself a pat on the back ok. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you xx
rubyblue
You are an amazing woman, dont lose sight of that. You give others so much strength now take some from us. Its good you are recognising and acknowleding just how you are feeling. That is the way to stop and spiral down and bring yourself back up. As for the venting I think we've all felt annoyed by the tone of the boards sometimes. Rubys suggestion was a good one. Hugs xxx
CM007
You are not being weak at all.I commend you for letting it all out
Kattx5
ok well if ur stupid i must be even worse coz jus readin that has started me off im now sat here with tears rollin dwn my face lol thank u u r so strong!!!
petefin