Journal

Oh honey I wish you wouldn't talk so badly of yourself and so highly of him. You are a wonderful, caring person!!!!! You have so much to offer someone. He just couldn't give you what you needed. He sounds a lot like my X who couldn't give me what I needed emotionally either. Our relationship was mostly based on his needness and sex and when he attempted overdosing I was there helping him for months, but now with me not well he couldn't take it and left.
You are a wonderful person!!!!!!!! Just with the wrong guy!!!!!
HUGE HUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am sobbiong here Y'Vonne. I can identify 100% with you. I am so, so blessed to have Mike and for him to put up with me and support me. You need someone who will love you UNCONDITIONALLY!!! That is what love is all about! And if he walks away from you, more pity him. He doesn't know what he's missing.
I love you, Beasty, and all the care you have shown me over the years is inestimable. I'm so sorry you have to go through his. I am shocked and I'm thinking of you.
With my love, Juice xox

Oh Beastie...I know you neeed to write this letter to be able to vent about how awful he is making you feel. Read my last words again....HE IS making you feel. I understand how that works in your mind....I hated myself and my self esteem was in the gutter for 2 years after my ex. Now, I just think what an asshole he really was, an emotional F**kwit who didnt know how to love, just blame me and not face his own issues. I am better than him, SO much better, I have learnt that I am good person, who deserves to have a better life, and I have got there now.

You too can learn from this Beastie, you can start to work on yourself, learn about yourself and what YOU need, believe me, it so worth it.

You take real good care of YOU Yvonne....thinking of you

xx

My friend, my sister, you are better than this. Do not believe the insults he has laiden upon you. You deserve so much more than he could ever give you, and the moment he realized that was when he tried taking you down from a place he could never reach. It's sad how people who can't be happy for themselves try to make others feel miserable...just so they can feel better for themselves. Know what I mean?

I've been where you are, and I do would not wish this pain in my heart on anyone. But you are strong, Yvonne. Oh yes, you are strong. This is just one more of life's little lessons. Sucks that we have to learn the hard way, but even so, we grow as individuals and blossom in the most beautiful ways when faced with adversity, grief, and pain. After the dead of winter comes new life of spring. Awaken and see the wonders of the world that have been waiting for you to emurge.

I'm here for you, dear friend.

I want you to listen to the song on this page. This is the song that helped me through my mourning/break-up period. http://www.myspace.com/beautifulyou The song is called "Let Me Go".

Just turn around and walk away
I can't find the words to say
There's nothing that you can give to me
So just turn around and walk away
Love letters from the month of May
They're burning in the fireplace today
There's nothing that you ever gave to me
So just turn around and walk away
Just turn around and walk away

Let me go, Let me go
Let me go, Let me go
Every Thought, Every Touch
Let them go, Let me go

I said that I would never walk away
But then you never wanted me to stay
I've given all that i could ever give
So watch me turn around and walk away
This is where I turn around and walk away

Let me go, Let me go
Let me go, Let me go
Every Thought, Every Touch
Let them go,Let me go

Oh, my dear, dear friend.
I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner. I hope you know you are much loved here? and you have my love and respect too, and that is real, there is a person behind that and all (or most of) the comments here, so know that when I refuse completely to believe or think of you in any way as a sack of shit, that isn't some kind of empty gesture. I hate it that someone like you (you really are wonderful) can feel so worthless, I've seen it happen to people close to me, I've grown up watching my father destroying my mother and not in a small way, and I tell you this because she recovered and is better now than she ever was even when they were happy and I care about you so much that I pray you'll be ok and that you'll completely break away from all the harm done to you and recover.
I also hope you get physically better soon, I beseech you to look after yourself, eat well,
sleep deeply,
for tomorrow comes, and it's all yours.
I hope this reaches You, Y'Vonne.

Y'Vonne please don't put yourself down like that, like your other friends above you have written you are a wonderful caring person. My ex-bf made me feel like you're and it's not nice. I was lucky for just around the corner was my husband, who loves me unconditionally and like you wish for Al my ex-bf finally found someone to love unconditionally. I don't hate my ex-bf, I have forgiven him and moved on. It takes time, but in the long run you will be better off. As for the person that has been reporting back to his family, that is just disgusting and low as it gets. ((((HUGS)))) 4 U. Relli

As Juice says, I can't wait for YOU to 'find someone that YOU can truly love *unconditionally* and that YOU desire and like. Someone YOU find amazing and precious'. Because that IS YOU - amazing and precious.

As long as Rainer is quoting music, I hope you don't mind me adding a line which floored me (and I lived by ever since) back when I was going through my divorce. It's from a really old Neil Young song -

"You can say the soul is gone,
and close another door.

Just be sure that yours is not the one."

We're all with you, Friend. Get feeling better (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every way), you amazing and precious Beast, You!

XO

Is he a great man? Would a great man make you feel the way you do? Would a great man say the things he has said? When you live with someone you get to see the real person. So what you see is the REAL man. The so-called 'great' man is his front. His public facade for others to see. It's an easy mask to wear. You've been abused emotionally. Abusers are experts of masking who they are. May be harsh to call him that, but look at what you wrote. Look at what you said about yourself. If someone loved you then you'd not think those things. And neither would they. You're not being cherished in the way that you deserve.

Parting ways after years will be hard. It's not been happy recently, but I imagine there were good times. There will be a sense of loss and grief at what was. But he changed. So must you. Be who you want to be for yourself, as has been said. After learning to enjoy being in your own company then you can find someone who will cherish and honour you as a woman and human being.

It's going to feel strange this next few Months, if you go through with it, but ultimately the greater prize will make it all worth it. And, GOD, you're loved here!

Farts and all..........rove you very rong time.

Wow. That was heartbreaking. I'm not one to give advice about marriage or relationships. From what I read, you've probably been ignored for a long time and instead of living with a lover (that being your hsuband), you've settled at some point along the way for a roomate. Not that you had a choice. But the only advice I can give you, is this...and that is...that YOU and only YOU are responsible for your own happiness. And it's out there if you go after it. Your self-esteem has been damaged over a long period of time. I know you only from DS. But I also know you as a terrific person with a great personality. Someone with a big heart who probably puts everyone elses needs above your own. Did I get that right? Well, perhaps it's time you put YOU first. Your kids will be fine. Your husband obviously doesn't care and doesn't appear that's going to change. All things happen for a reason. God has better plans in store for you if you choose to listen to Him. You are NOT a piece of sh*t. You are a wonderful human being. Don't you ever believe anyone who tells you differently. So you drink, smoke, whatever. Not one person have I met that doesn't have a few skeletons in the closet including yours truly. It's called being human. Your husband may ignore you and emotionally abandon you, some of your friends might do the same, but God never will. And neither will your "true" friends. So if I were you, I'd take all my problems and troubles, bundle them up and leave that bundle at the foot of the cross for God to deal with. And then I"d go out, and start being the person responsible for your happiness and not allowing others to threaten that in any way. And when they try to knock you down a peg and say all kinds of nasty things, just repeat this simple saying in your mind, "What you say about me is none of my business". Eventually you will see that whatever anyone says will have no impact on you. For why would you believe what they say and think over what you say and think.

Good Luck my friend. I know you can do this. Just trust in God. Be patient. And take small steps now to turning your life around and in the direction that leads to happiness.

wish i knew what to say to help u feel better but i dont hun. big hugs for u anyway. xxx

I haven't seen you for quite a while and thought I would check up on you. I'm sorry to see all you are going through. There is an excellent support group I know of that you might be interested in joining. It's at another site, and it is for people who are dealing with abuse of one kind or another.
I struggle myself with various addictive behaviors, past abuse, low self-esteem, not being able to identify my needs or ask for them to be met... and these are all things I am hearing in your letter and journal.
I belong to a real-world organization called "CoDA" also. It's a 12 step program, but it doesn't focus on specific addictions. Instead, it is for people who have trouble in their relationsips. I really think a support group like this might be helpful to you, if there is one near where you live. Just a suggestion.

Message me if you want more info about any of this. Or if you just want to talk.

im so sorry to see you in so much pain. god bless yvonne xx

Sorry about reading this journal so late but I hope that you listen to the advice everybody has given you that you are the one to love and cherish and to find someone that feels the same way about you as you do them that is what a relationship is all about. I love you and know that your a very special lady and friend to me and I cherish that..Love and Hugz Vic

I'm also sorry about reading your journal so late.
Don't put yourself down hunny, you're a kindhearted and generous person. I don't think your ex deserves you!! I hope things will improve in your life as you move on. Take care, love and hugs, Gill

You sure have guts i'll give you that. You deserve to have the things you want nevermind what he wants. You worded your letter so perfectly, you said what you felt and thats all you can do. Sometimes the truth hurts if your not getting on. If he is being verbally abusive to you though im glad you are moving forward from things cause by the sounds of it you need to begin feeling better about yourself. Your a wonderful person, anyone here will tell you that.

Good journal and vent Y'vonne. Please remember dear that love doesn't hurt. All the yelling, name calling, put downs and negativity coming from him towards you will only make you sicker. I can tell you love him & that is okay. We can not help our feelings; only change the thoughts & behaviors that go with our feelings with a lot of work. He is treating you badly to make himself look & appear better than you but he is not. Agree with our mutual friend InHisHands. Lean on God - He will help you. All my love, Jazzie xx

This is such a great and constructive journal entry. Alot of healing can be done with this entry. You my dear...need to think MUCH better of yourself. You are probably the best thing to have ever come into his life. Please dont beat yourself up so much. Try to see yourself as we do. A wonderful and humorous woman with a heart of gold.

You seem like such a good, wonderful woman. I know you loved him ,but you deserve someone who treats you better, someone who deserves you! My prayers are with you.

Don't you DARE buy into his bullshit! You are NOT a piece of shit, or worthless, or anything of the sort. You are a terrific person who deserves SO MUCH BETTER, from others as well as from yourself! So you fell off that wagon... so pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on it for YOU and for the people who love you. I know you're trying. Sometimes relationships just don't work out - it happens. I'm just glad you seem to have realized it and decided to move on. {{{HUGS}}} Brenda

I think you are an amazing person beast,,that is obvious from your journal.....this low esteem and expectations are paths that have been trodden in your mind,,new ones can be constructed and you are so worth the effort....I am reading this as a result of this crisis 21/July.....and I want you back here and fighting and changing your view of yourself...It can be done..I know so..xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow you and I have a lot and I mean a lot more in common than I thought! Stay strong. I am proud of you for writing such a honest and straightforward letter to him! WE CAN AND WILL DO IT!!!

you are a beatiful person inside and out and from what I remember a cute personality and from what my sis told me when her and clayton were married was that they guys all adored you so for those reasons I know that you can find someone who will Love you like you should be loved sis finally found a guy that really loved her and he was a good man from what I know you might just have to come up here and go out with me one of these nights as long as u promise not to steal my husbands heart hes all I got dont let him treat you that way I will find him and he will be sorry I ddont like guys that treat women like that it pisses me off he works for Komatsu my husband used to work for them yrs ago.

Y'Vonne i am so glad you had a good time. i love to go to other states and buy the t-shirts about harleys.it alwasy gets me in trouble though cause i end up spending too much. i missed you and i am glad you are feeling better.i hope it lasts and lasts!! i love you my friend

Awesome, I am glad you had a good trip and you sound rejuvinated. I hope you have a good week.

YVONNE REALLY GLAD YOU HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME. SOMETIMES IT REALLY DOES YOU GOOD TO GET AWAY ONCE IN AWHILE. YOU HAVE A GREAT WEEK.
ARLENE

Glad you had a good time even if it started out rough.

Hey, good 4 you - you handled the rough parts, didn't let 'em get to you and you had a good time. WTG!

xx

LOL,watch the film severence.also pm me if ya need a chat xxx

I am so GLAD that you had a great time!!!!! :o)))))

glad to hear you had a good time..... I hope you improved mood lasts for a very long time too...

i'm a few days late reading this,as i've not felt well myself,but i'm glad you had a fun time.

Sounds like a great vacation, Yvonne!![except for the storm over Atlanta!!] Gee, wish I knew you were in Detroit!! I could have met you!!If it makes you feel any better, we are not having that 70 weather anymore. Yesterday did not get out of the 50s. today 64 supposed to be. have fun wearing your Harley shirts!!