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fallfromgrace 
9:27pm, October 21, 2009
All of the sudden I am feeling insecure...... I think it was instigated by the fact that last night i was talking with my h about sex, and of course he tells me he's tired.
Is he ligitimately tired? Yes, he works a lot. But what hurts me is that he used to work all day from 9am-9pm, and then drive a town over to her house!
So I am like, how dare u tell me u are too tired for sex when u were never too tired for her.
Also, it makes me feel worthless like he found it worth the effort to drive and meet her for sex after a long day at work, but he doesnt find sex with me worth it?
Just like he used to miss work to be with her, but would always tell me how much we needed $ and he needed to work, when I asked him to take off to be with me....
How is that supposed to make me feel.....??
And now I am starting to think about OW again...... She and I never had any contact, she didnt turn psycho when H ended it, so i just kind of let it go, but now i am feeling like I want to look her up on Facebook, even though I have advised others that this is a bad idea.... I just feel like I need closure, I feel like I deserved to call her and yell at her or something..... same with this other woman who texted my H 4 months after dday...... i should have texted her back telling her to stop contacting my H,
Part of me just wants to leave this in the past and just pray the thoughts will go away... I do not want to dig stuff up and get myself all upset again...
But part of me wants to see what she looks like, see what her life is like....
I guess I feel like my H got off easy, I didnt try to start any trouble for him and these OW, but man did they deserve it,
I guess I am just feeling hurt right now
Comments
Are you able to tell H any of this? Get mad at him?
Holding all this in is not good for you. Thats why I'm asking.
You have/had the right to tell him how you felt.
As for OW every woman handles it differently. Some feel no need to see or confront the OW. I on the other hand had to see her face to face and it wasn't pretty. But I HAD too. So you see. Its something only you can answer. What can you live with?
I hope you find your answers and some peace.
Shewolf101
thanks! Last night I told my H how I felt and see said he understood but that I was forgetting that 2 years + 5 months ago (when the affair started). He was in a lot better physical shape.... and he wasnt getting sick as much as he is now.
[now, 2+ years later] = his high blood pressure has been high a lot and he just got his second "cold" of the season. the last one lasted like 2 weeks! So i think what he was trying to tell me was that there's more going on now than back then so comparing myself to her doesnt match up. Who knows.
I guess I buy it, but it still hurts sometimes, I feel like I am the one who initiates sex, I am the one who tells him "hey why dont we try to have sex tonight?" --- I just dont want to fall into the trap we were in when he had the A, which was we stopped having sex (plus a lot of other stuff) but I think the sexual intimacy is very much needed in a marriage, especially after my H shared that intimacy with someone else.
I asked him if he remembered teh OW last name, he said he didnt which i believe, he was never too sure of it but told me what it kind of sounded like, so i did try to look on FB in my area but who knows there could be 10 or 20 people that match and i will just have to speculate as to which one it is... Not sure what I need to do for closure, I will have to keep thinking aboiut that one
fallfromgrace
Why don't you write down exactly how you feel, to get it out of your system. Don't hold back on how you feel. Write down and express everything. Get it out of your system, so that it can't hurt you anymore.
Don't show it to anyone, then shred it or burn it.
I have heard this can be very theraputic, and can help you to let go and release the pain.
Also, your husband loves you. He chose to stay with you. Remember that.
smartygirl2
thanks smartygirl! That's a great idea...... I am having trouble with maintaining prior commitments i have made regarding certain issues.
Issues that I have gone through, analyzed, asked questions about and looked at from every angle, once I felt ok about it, i told myself that i needed to move on.. But it seems that these things creep up on my every once in a while, and I find myself going through the same emotions over again,which is just unnecessary, and painful.
I used to write in a journal a lot, maybe its time I start again, thanks again :)
fallfromgrace