fallfromgrace's Journal

So after yesterdays dabacle... things are good..... I went into my mail and I was reading emails we had sent to eachother around the time it happened.... It was amazing how we were forced to really look at eachother and our marriage and ask ourselves, do i love this person? Am i just here because i dont want to be alone? Well here's some stuff he wrote:

" i dont think you get it in your own way you drive me to be better. i want to make money and work hard so you dont have to stress. i see how hard you wok at school and i dont want you to have to worry about other things. like this morning my stomach was fucked up and i went in a little later then i wanted to but i wanted to work. i wanted to make enough for us to pay our bills so you could relax a little. you have already done so much for me. you have made me realize how good life can be without drugs. you have made me realize how rewarding a normal well i should say our way of normal life can be. we both different then most people. most people would think we are crazy but yet we understand each other. i can be myself in front of you and never have to worry about you thinking any differently of me. you really need to give yourself more credit baby. you do a lot for me maybe not always in things you can see but emotionally. when im down about things at work i can always call you and i feel better afterwards. even though you didnt go to the wedding with me it felt good knowing you wanted to go with me just because i knew you wanted me to and you didnt want me to have to go alone. just that you felt bad not going even though you knew your ass should have been doing schoolwork." 

AND

"i just wanted to tell you i love you and to thank you for being so sweet lately even though i know your really stressed out. you have made me so happy and comfortable these last few days. that is part of the reason that i decided to stay home and watch the game. just because things have been so wonderful here. you are an amazing and very special woman and the greatest wife in the worlsd to me. i dont know how you put up with my shit and still smile but thank you for being my wife and best friend baby"

AND (about the affair)

" i know im vague baby but i try i really am trying and im sorry i humliated you and im sorry i made you feel worse about yourself and im sorry i hurt you. i dont think you will ever know how sorry i am. some days im so sorry and ashamed of what i did i wish i could just crawl in a hole and hide. sometimes i wish i could just hold you for hours and tell you how sorry i am"

HERES WHY I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM:

"I have tried to come up with the words to express how much I love you but it is not easy. You are the reason I am who I am, and you are the reason I have a chance to become a better person. You are so supportive of any and everything I do, and you never complain. Without you I could not make it through everything on my own. I couldn't stay up all night working on a paper without you being there to encourage me. There is so much in my life that I have accomplished or that I have endured, and the only reason I have done so is because I have you --- you believe in me, when I can't believe in myself.

You are truly the most wonderful person in the world. I don't know what my life would have been like if I had never met you. I never thought that everyone had just one "soulmate" but when I found you, I truly found my other half, the part of me that has been missing all of my life, and without which I could never truly be happy."

WHY AM I POSTING THIS HERE - to remind myself of why we chose to get married and how even though sometimes we take eachother for granted, there really is a special love between us, its not just cause i dont want to be single, its because i love him and he loves me, and hopefully with that, plus a lot of work, we can get past this one day and still have the happy life we set out to build for ourselves....