Journal

Hey my angel,

Things here are crazy as usual.  I have come clean with everyone and myself and now of course its even crazier.  Its been two weeks now, I have been totally clean and thinking so clearly.  Involved in church, with a really nice guy who is really supportive.  Remember when you use to tell me "hey mom you need to get a life" well that is what I am doing.  Your brother and Jamie are upset about it I guess, but you know our babygirl she is great.  You would be so proud of your little sister.  She is 21 now and I know you two used to talk about that and couldn't wait to celebrate together.  I am so sorry it didn't turn out that way.  Eric seems to be upset with me for being stupid I guess.  You know the family support thing goes here NONE.  I think you would be proud of me though and I know Samantha is and I am proud of myself, so that is all that matters right now.  Pulling away from you guys is really hard but I have learned in order for me to get a life I have to put that space in there.  I know you are in a good place now and you don't have to so hard or be so tired all the time.  But the selfish part of me wants you here where you are suppose to be.  I am the one that was suppose leave first.  I am still battling with all this in my head and my heart but I do know that you are in a better place.  This is an evil world Jo.  Your boy is playing football now and I can't seem to get a schedule so I can go and support him.  I know if you were here you would make sure I have it.  All this is a process for me so I am still learning.  I do know I love you so much and I miss so bad.  I look at your picture everyday and when I pray I ask god to give you a hug for me.  Losing you is a daily struggle for me.  A part of me left with you and that is just the way it is.  Well I am at work but I just wanted to talk to you for a minute and let you know I love you.  We all do Bobbie.  Your wedding anniversary is coming up WOW.  Your husband does love you and always will.  Just so you know his song to you is pretty wings.  It is so beautiful.  Not as beautiful as you of course.  I pray that we can all come together soon and everyone can see just as your sister has.  I am happy, and feeling okay now.  Keep looking out for me cause I will always need you until my day comes and we can be together again.  I love and miss you so much.

Love you

Mom

spent two hours in the rain alone.  but her flowers and ballons looked good.  I even got her the number 27 candles hoping it would stop raining so I could blow them out for her.  I spent the whole day by myself.  My daughter Jamie won't call me back, my son I don't know and my youngest I think is just as stressed and depressed as I am.  I am afraid I am rubbing off on her.  My friend just died and now because we never transferred the truck I bought from  him i might lose.  His family are vultures.  he deserves better than this.  I wish I could just run and hide.  I am tired of feeling this way and my kids, my mom, those who really matter to me just look at me and nothing good.  they don't understand.  I need my medication back this stuff they gave isn't working.  I realized yesterday after no phone calls, no visits, nothing just alone I really am alone.  I have god in my heart and i know thats why I did nothing stupid and made it through the day.  Thank you jesus for being there for me and taking care of my angels.  Something has to give here soon.

HEY THERE,

I WANTED TO TELL YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND LET YOU KNOW THAT I WILL VISITING YOU TODAY WITH YOUR BALLONS AND FLOWERS.  I JUST WISH I COULD HAND THEM TO YOU AND GIVE YOU THAT HUG.  JAMIE IS UPSET WITH ME BECAUSE I THINK SHE DOSEN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU ALL.  I FEEL BAD HER FEELINGS WERE HURT AND I TRY CALLING HER BUT SHE DOESN'T RETRUN MY CALLS SO I CAN EXPLAIN WERE ALL THAT CAME FROM.  ROCKY PASSED AWAY SO YOU HOLD HIS HAND AND YOU ALL TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER OKAY.  I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ANYONE TODAY BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW HUH?  I NEED TO GET BUSY CAUSE ITS RAINING AND YOU KNOW I GET SICK REAL EASY BUT I WONT LET THAT STOP ME FROM GOING TO SEE YOU TODAY.  BOBBY KNOW YOU ARE SO LOVED AND MISSED BY EVERYONE.  YOUR HUSBAND SENDS YOU HIS LOVE AND KISSES ALONG WITH YOUR KIDS.  YOUR SISTERS AND YOUR BROTHER TOO.  SO I LOVE YOU JO AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN HEART MY MIND AND MY THOUGHTS EVERYDAY.  BIG 27 YOU SURE MAKE MAMMA FEEL OLD. I LOVE YOU

MOM