Journal

Well it's a week now since I had my tummy bug - but what a week!

 Last Sunday night anxiety got the better of me and I got about two hours sleep after taking Diazepam 5 mg.  Monday was awful had to phone in sick to work.  Went to the doctors and bascially fell apart.  Cried most of the day and had to take Diazepam to take the edge of things.  Doc had given me sleeping pills which helped that night.  Also had to take Hal to the hospital as his wrist was hurting from falling when Mike took him ice skating on the sunday pm.

Tuesday - back at the hospital with Hal for an xray on his wrist.  Didn't feel so anxious, felt a bit wobbly but not too bad, even had a bit of lunch with the girls from work which was a bit stange as I'd been signed off sick.

 Wednesday - Wobbly again, went to Jo's and had coffee and cake with her and Kathryn.  Kept wanting to cry but managed to stay and eat a bit of cake.  Jo has been having a rough time with her husband, which was reassuring.  But it was difficult as Kathyrn seems to have no concept of mental health problems and didn't quite understand how I'm feeling just now.

Thursday - Went to doctors, she told me that I had gone into rapid withdrawl from my tablets because of the tummy bug, it was a relief that I wasn't going back to where I was in September - I have just got to give it time for the levels to settle down.  Had a massage which was good.

 Friday - felt anxious all day, went and got my eyebrows/chin waxed.  Which in a weird sort of way was nice even though I felt very unreal when I was going there, kind of detached from the rest of the world.  Went and did reflexology on Elsies feet, really struggled as at first I really had the urge to say I can't do this and run out.  CPN rang to give me an appointment for next week, it will be good to talk to her about how I'm feeling.  Went to Jenns in the evening with Hal for a couple of hours but staying off the drink at the mo - don't think it will help the situation.

 This morning - not too bad, didn't wake up ridiculously early and wasn't up in the night, did take 1/2 a sleeping pill though.  Feel tension in my shoulders and back and feel tired.  Trying not to worry too much about Mike going away.  Trying to make some plans of things to do.  Hal wants to play monopoly so will have to stop writing.

Woke up at five really anxious.  Think my bug is on the wain but the anxiety seems to have gone up.

 Was worrying about everything, will I be able to go to work tom, will I cope when Mikes away, am I completely losing it, is anxiety taking over my life again, have I taken too much on.  Oh my god! hate it.  Had a bit of a chat to mum about the anxiety kicking off because I'm ill, she was very understanding, I think she gets it the same.  I found it quite hard to talk to her about it, it seems easier to write in here.  Don't want to be constantly afraid of getting ill so that my anxiety rises.

 Bum, Bum, Bum!!

Not a great day today.  I've been doing really well for quite a while which is probably why I haven't written in here.  Was struck down by a tummy bug on wed night.  It makes me feel very anxious.  It's too soon since I was off work with anxiety and even though I know I have a tummy bug, starting to think that the anxiety is coming back.  Hangining on in there to try and stay positive but not coping too well - want to stop feeling ill and because I'm getting impatient I'm getting anxious.  Then that makes me feel like I'm getting anxious and depressed again and that makes me more anxious and depressed!

 Bugger I'm cross with myself why can't I just except that I'm ill and it's going to take a few days to feel better!  If I can't go to work on monday I can't go and thats that - I shouldn't feel bad about it - its better not to go and not give everyone else the same bug, plus it's nail surgery on monday morning and I don't want to give it to the patients.  Which I could just relax and go with being ill until I feel better.

 Oh well will see how I feel in the morning.