AnAddictionAdored's Journal

This is really hard to write as I've been feeling very.... closed, lately.
I don't like talking about things because people keep shutting me down when I talk.
I say what I feel, they say "Oh, that sucks... " then they stop talking and that's it and I know at that second that the conversation isn't going to get anywhere further than that.

But I was thinking about ending things tonight, and since I'm looking after my brothers, I figured I should try and get some opinions from others to try and divert my attention.

I thought about just going and locking the door in the bathroom and txting my boyfriend to come around in 5 minutes to watch the boys, so that I'd have time to bleed out or go into a coma or something, depending on my chosen method.

Though then I start thinking that suicide is messy and then they'll see all the blood...

Fuck, sure is one way of screwing up your baby brothers for life.
So maybe I should just run away and do it in a ditch or something.

Though then, since its raining and the ditches will be flooded, my body will become bloated and disfigured...
I'll scar whoever drives by and spots me floating amongst the flax and other coot grass or whatever it's called.

I'm sorry if my gore disturbs you, it's simply how my mind works.
Too many years of watching things such as CSI and Dexter and reading books like PREDATOR.

I know what happens when you die, and I wont be neglectful in my suicide.
Why would I make the clean-up hard if it was possible?

But anyway, back to the reasons for ending things.

... Besides the fact that I feel as if no one in my close life listens to me anymore.
Besides the fact that I have a constant alternating cycle of UTI's and Thrush that drive me INSANE.
Besides the fact that I am constantly stressed out, confused and frustrated.
Besides the fact that

I get so stressed and panicky when the thrush gets unbearable and I feel like I have a UTI coming on that I just want to die to get away from it.
Antibiotics sometimes work while I'm taking them, but they always come back a few days after I stop taking them!
Cream my doctor gave me doesn't work.
She's done all sorts of tests and doesn't even know what it is, so it's not even technically thrush!
It just feels like it.

Most of my UTI's are real, but some of them the doctor can't even diagnose because the urine tests come back negative.

So here I am again, unheal-able.
Unhelp-able.
Listening to Interpol just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up in this place and thinking that I should go and make dinner for my brothers.

Sucks, since my mum left for the day to have a "girls day/night out" with her friends and there's jack shit in the cupboard so I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to make with it.

Rice...
Frozen vegetables...

Butter and salt.
Awesome.
Don't even have ketchup to try and make it palatable.