AnAddictionAdored's Journal

I'm not me.
Obviously that implies that i think i'm someone else...
But, is that true?
AM i someone else?
Is it possible to BE anyone but ME?

I'm thinking about asking my doctor about medication.
It's not so much that i'm worried i'll die... I've come so close so many times that i've kind of got it in my head that even if i'm an inch away from committing that final act, i never will.
It's not me... it's not something i can do.
In the end, i'm too scared, too weak, too guilty... Too ashamed.
But it's just, when i slip into a panic attack, it's difficult to think about living AT ALL.
I... I feel ashamed saying it, but, last night i beat myself black and blue.

It left me shaking and high...
But if i had medication, what if i could just take a pill before a "freak out" moment and feel ok?
Does it work like that? or would the side effects be so bad that it wouldn't be worth it.

I'm lost.

I'm not me...
And i feel like i wont ever be me again, because i feel like i died three months ago.

Too bad i didn't get a funeral for this kind of death...

Alive for another day.
Woot.... doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment to be honest.

I don't know what else to say.
It's the worst part... i can't explain any of it.
At least, not very well.
And when i feel like i could, i then dont feel like i CAN in a way because i don't feel like anyone would understand what i have to say anyway.
... Well i got what i always wished for i guess, i'm crazy.