Journal

This is really hard to write as I've been feeling very.... closed, lately.
I don't like talking about things because people keep shutting me down when I talk.
I say what I feel, they say "Oh, that sucks... " then they stop talking and that's it and I know at that second that the conversation isn't going to get anywhere further than that.

But I was thinking about ending things tonight, and since I'm looking after my brothers, I figured I should try and get some opinions from others to try and divert my attention.

I thought about just going and locking the door in the bathroom and txting my boyfriend to come around in 5 minutes to watch the boys, so that I'd have time to bleed out or go into a coma or something, depending on my chosen method.

Though then I start thinking that suicide is messy and then they'll see all the blood...

Fuck, sure is one way of screwing up your baby brothers for life.
So maybe I should just run away and do it in a ditch or something.

Though then, since its raining and the ditches will be flooded, my body will become bloated and disfigured...
I'll scar whoever drives by and spots me floating amongst the flax and other coot grass or whatever it's called.

I'm sorry if my gore disturbs you, it's simply how my mind works.
Too many years of watching things such as CSI and Dexter and reading books like PREDATOR.

I know what happens when you die, and I wont be neglectful in my suicide.
Why would I make the clean-up hard if it was possible?

But anyway, back to the reasons for ending things.

... Besides the fact that I feel as if no one in my close life listens to me anymore.
Besides the fact that I have a constant alternating cycle of UTI's and Thrush that drive me INSANE.
Besides the fact that I am constantly stressed out, confused and frustrated.
Besides the fact that

I get so stressed and panicky when the thrush gets unbearable and I feel like I have a UTI coming on that I just want to die to get away from it.
Antibiotics sometimes work while I'm taking them, but they always come back a few days after I stop taking them!
Cream my doctor gave me doesn't work.
She's done all sorts of tests and doesn't even know what it is, so it's not even technically thrush!
It just feels like it.

Most of my UTI's are real, but some of them the doctor can't even diagnose because the urine tests come back negative.

So here I am again, unheal-able.
Unhelp-able.
Listening to Interpol just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up in this place and thinking that I should go and make dinner for my brothers.

Sucks, since my mum left for the day to have a "girls day/night out" with her friends and there's jack shit in the cupboard so I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to make with it.

Rice...
Frozen vegetables...

Butter and salt.
Awesome.
Don't even have ketchup to try and make it palatable.

Hi guys... And Girls I suppose.
Does anyone actually take offense to that?

Well, I've moved now.
I'm now living in town.
Well, it's considered a city here but to those in america it would probably feel like a town.
Some actress came to New Zealand and called Auckland (our biggest city I think) a "Quaint little town".
So.

We're small.

But anyway, I still haven't unpacked properly.
We've been here over a month and most of my crap is sitting in boxes at the foot of my bed.
Everything is different.
I don't feel like this is my home.
I feel homeless at the moment.
I feel like I've lost any sense of home anywhere.

I don't belong here, I don't belong at my boyfriends house...
I feel guilty eating food anywhere I stay because I feel like I'm wasting there money.

I feel like a outcast.

Just floating in this permanent state self disgust.
I think about running away, or finally getting rid of myself.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm not a kid, but I'm not supporting myself.

Blurgh.

Things aren't going well with my boyfriend.

My family isn't what it used to be.
Everythings BREAKING.

And I can't fix it.
One of my sisters is a drug addict, another is depressed and acting out.
It just doesn't work like it used to.

I can't talk to my boyfriend about much because I feel like he's going to be judgemental or just be annoyed at me for taking about depressing things.
Why did I have to be faulty.

Why can't I just be normal like all those other people in the world?
Why can't I be selfish and greedy too?
Why can't I be happy and ignorant?
Why do I have to fucking CARE?!

Grr I'm so frustrated!
As you can probably tell by the name...

My boyfriend is on the atkins diet and it's really bugging me!
Him and his mum are doing it.
They're doing it for 10 days and are racing to see who loses the most.
But they're not changing their lives!
They're being unrealistic.
They wont maintain this lifestyle.
They say they're not going to go straight back to their old life style afterwards, but they will! I know they will because they did last time.

He said the only reason I didn't like it was because he wasn't dieting my way.

Well fuck him, my way is better!
It allows you to have what you want, moderation is the key!
It's healthier...

It's a lifestyle change, not a diet.

Of course I mean my "diet" not my anorexia, I don't think anorexia is the way and I'm trying to make sure I keep on eating.

It's just annoying...

I see atkins as just another fad diet.

It works, yeah, but how easy is it to maintain?
How long until you snap and go and have a week of binging on carbohydrates and sugars just so you can gain all that weight you just lost?!

GRRRRRRRrrrr I hate feeling this mad!!
I know it's not even 100% rational but I'm still just SO mad!!
And I can't help it.
He's just annoying me all the time at the moment.

Perhaps it's hormones.
I don't know, but I'm sick too and after 2 days of barely eating, I've had 2 days of eating a LOT...
I think my body is trying to make up for it.
It's probably worried I'm going to keep dropping drastically...
Though I've gained just over half of it back now, I think.

  And I'm in the middle of moving so I'm all stressed out about that...

Feeling anxious because although I wanted to move into town and I still think it's a good idea, and if I wasn't moving I would be really depressed and disappointed.... I just still scared about living in town!
I've never lived in town before and I'm scared I'll feel claustrophobic or trapped.

I'm scared the small property will make me feel sufforcated.

I think I'm partially comfort eating at the moment too.
I'm mad now so all I want to do is go and dive into the soy ice cream I brought as a trial the other day...

I'm so frustrated with my bf that I signed out and turned off my phone so we couldn't keep arguing.
I didn't want to just spend the rest of the night fighting so figured I'd go away until I could calm down.
Only problem is I don't know how long it will take me.

Irrational anger doesn't tend to go away easily.

Grr yesterday I felt so happy at my friends wedding and I couldn't wait until I could get married to my boyfriend, now I don't even want to be around him.

Think I'll just go to bed and cry for awhile...
I've lost track on whats happening in the movie because I was so busy arguing and it's finishing soon...

Might head off once it's finished.
It's only got 18 minutes.

 Anyway, I might write more later...