Journal

What a weird thing.

never a dull moment in this roller coaster I call post divorce crazy time.

I had to go up there to where he lives today to have brake pads put on my car. He is very mechanically inclined and I cannot afford to take it anywhere to be fixed.

I brought my laundry with me to do at my daugher's. Just my bedding. I saw him. he didnt look attractive to me. I am beginning to think although I am sad about the break up of my marriage for sure, the issues surronding the abandonment are what are lingering on.

I did well today. I got to say some things I needed to say face to face to him. "Wow, his nose looked really big. Sorry just had to say that.

I got to call bull sh:t on his "I just dont know what I want. I told him that his behavior in the last 10 months showed me want he wanted and that was to do nothing about our relationship and focus on what he wanted for himself.

I did not yell,and yes I cried but it felt good.

Yet another step in letting go.

On a lighter note, I joined weight watchers last week. Just a few pounds to get off. I think that it will help me with my self worth. I know I feel better working out. I just need to start eating healthier.

anyway thanks for listening

mary

Well, I woke up at 5:00 this morning lonely and anxious about my day. I was sick with the a sinus infection this week. I went to work each day and came home and went to sleep. I hadnt heard from my ex for awhile. He is that kind of man that begs to not be divorced the night before the final papers are to be signed, which he has done twice before and then left me, and then has no contact with me whatsoever.

so why is it that I freak out when I dont hear from him. I dont want him the way he is. He does not want me. He is not interested in having me in his life other than doing things once in awhile when he feels guilty for leaving our marriage because he "felt like it". His words.

I am trying to move on. Not in the "finding a new guy way" just trying to deal with my life, a life I never expected to have. I was one of those crazy believers in happily ever after.

I dont like uncertainty. I have it in the three major areas in my life. My job is so crazy. My beach cabin time will be up in June. My personal life is so lonely.

I know I sound a bit like I am having a pity party, but the reality is I know how blessed I am with, food in my frig, roof over my head and a car that stops and starts.

I just think that the abandonment I feel after giving my heart to a man I thought was my forever love has left me feeling very unworthy and frightened to reach out.

Dont get me wrong, I am taking care of myself. paying my bills, going to work eating right, excersising. But sometimes I feel like a robot rather than a woman. Just going through my daily routine to survive.

I struggle to motivate myself to do the things I love. photography and music. I dont want to be the kind of woman that needs a man to complete her but I miss the companionship and touch of a man that loves me.

Well, thanks for listening. Sometimes I think I just need to see on paper how I am feeling.