deathwarmedup's Journal

so a lot has happened for me this last week and I'm left feeling like i dont know where I'm at anymore and i dont know where I'm heading and I'm so lost i just dont know.

so mainly my jobs have been stressing me out. my main job at the restaurant i hate but i love (as a friend) one of the two owners there and she's going through soo much at the moment it would be so cruel for me to leave. Last sunday i watched her attack my other boss in the middle of lunch service. (she had her reasons) but then we sat down and had a meeting. they told me they'd train me to be manager put me through my bar course and everything if i left my other job so they could have me on the busy days of the week which is fair enough i guess.

but i love my other job at a cafe. i love the people and the work. and their always sooo supportive of me. even so i decided it was best to hand in my resignation there. not sure i did the right thing though. my boss at the cafe offered me a full time position there.

and an old employee at the restaurant  keeps telling me to get out while i can. i feel like im being pushed and pulled and prodded in all these different directions and i just want to get out and start again!!!  

but my boss is holding the cafe job for me till the end of next month, which is nice of her.

and now i think im beginning to piss my therapist off. i cant help it.

he keeps asking me what im thinking and i always answer oh i dunno nothing. lol. he told me im not going to get anywhere if i dont want to talk about any of the painfull stuff. but i do talk about the painfull stuff sometimes its just some days i cant!!!

oh and to top it off todays fathers day in nz :-l yay 

thankyou daddy where would i be without you right?!?!?!!!!!!

god i just wanna cry. but i cant because i dont cry.

been somking a lot more pot then normal for me these last few weeks if feels so good. i can lie on the floor of my bedroom and feel like the life is draining slowly from my body. its so peaceful.

ah well..... what can i do right?

nothing, not my decision