Journal

Don't figure anyone will read this and guess I don't care -- have no one to explain this insight to who would understand or care, guess journaling is all I can do.  With ADD and a horrible anxiety disorder, and being female, I've always been trained not to let the hyper show or to be confident about it.  Authority figures don't like hyper -- most men I know don't like women who are both hyper and confident (well, I do work for some very reactionary males, so maybe not all are like that) -- even other women don't really like women who are hyper.  I've had trouble with the ADD lately; as my diabetes gets under control some of my energy is coming back, and as soon as I get a little energy I start getting hyper -- and then I start getting anxious.  Spent my whole life hiding what I am from other people, since no matter who the other person is there's some facet of my personality that they really don't like (even my friends).  But I can never seem to get enough done, and I know that part of it is because I'm so busy squashing myself down I won't let myself access the energy that comes with the hyper part.  It's hard to harness and focus that part, but I used to be able to do it on occasion, and I need to learn to do it again.  And I need to be not afraid of what other people's reactions are going to be.  I'm 58 and I'm tired of hiding.

In the last year or so I've started using multi-syllable words, not stopping to"dumb down" what I'm saying.  (Dammit, if someone doesn't understand a word they can look it up online or buy a dictionary!)  So now, I need to learn to do the same regarding teh hyper -- (1) stop being afraid of the hyper, (2) learn to tap into when I have it, and (3) stop being afraid to let other people see it.  

It would be great if I could take meds to focus and direct my energy, and on my next shrink visit I'll ask about that.  But at my age that's probably not going to be workable; after menopause your body responds differently to medications.  So whatever works, it's going to have to be something that changes in my own attitude.

I have at least one friend who is able to harness her "hyper" and is not afraid or ashamed of it.  (Of course, she doesn't have an anxiety disorder.)  Anyway, I'm going to try to think of her when I get cowardly.

Just got back from lunch with my abusive old lady.  I know that she likes me, and at the same time I know she considers me ill-educated (everyone in the US is ill-educated, according to her); she disapproves of my "breeding" (she has a Victorian sensibility about the importance of one's forbears being the right kind of people, not very poor people as mine were); and I can't figure out how she can like me when she so obviously holds me in contempt.  She insulted me today to my face -- I'd say that casually remarking that I'm ill-educated constitutes an insult.  And when I actually said, out loud tho quietly, "Thanks for the insult," she changed her behavior fairly quickly.  I thought about getting up and walking out, but ended up staying.  I'm going to have to stop riding home with her (that's actually because I need to walk for my diabetes), but when I tell her about that I need also to get up the nerve to tell her that if she insults me one more time I will get up and walk away.  That will be very hard for me to do.  The irony is that I like her very much in a number of ways -- when she's not insulting I totally enjoy our conversations.  But to me friendship has to be based on respect, and I'm not willing to endure this any longer. 

I don't deal with anger well.  Right now I'm furious, my stomach is in knots, and I'm sitting looking at a dinner (due to screw-ups at the restaurant I ended up bringing my dinner home in a box) that I can't bring myself to eat.  In fact, I can't bring myself to eat anything -- which should be good for my blood sugar, since I usually run high, but isn't good for me psychologically.  

Well, I can do one thing -- I can call the restaurant and say something about the waitress.  The screw-up was minor, it was handled well, and my dinner partner was so obnoxious to the waitress it's a miracle the waitress could remember anything.  Since they comped my meal I don't want it to count as a black mark against the waitress, who actually had the best manner I've come across in a long time.  Maybe doing something nice will take the bad taste out of my mouth and help me calm down.