finishline's Journal

Hello my love,

I am sitting here staring out my office window looking at the bright sun and  thinking of you, something I do every minute of everyday. I met your buddies last night for dinner and we had a lot of laughs sharing stories about you and your witty sense of humor. You touched so many people and they all miss you so much. I can sense they feel uncomfortable talking about you. They are worried how I am taking it but I love talking about you.

Your son passed his driver's test by the skin of his teeth, I put a tight leash on him. He drove to school Monday and today and I have been on edge just waiting for that call he is home and parked. Thank the lord we are blocks from school and he is on no major roads. Tonight he is supposed to meet 3 classmates to work on a project and is driving himself.  I will be a wreck till he gets home. I know I have to back off and let him learn but he really needs a lot more practice, he still has that attention span the size of a pencil point so I am worried sick.

Our daughter just has someone hit her 2 weeks ago in the KMart parking lot at night, Thank god no one was hurt, then by the time I got there which was seconds from the call, all hell broke loose. The girl told me she could not stop in time, OK fine I thought no big deal and she admitted it was her fault and she also admitted she backed her car up. It was a 2 week nightmare but I proved the case and her insurance paid and she now has her car back like brand new so all is well. She has learned a lesson she screamed at me to let her handle it she is an adult and told me to back off right up till they denied her claim and refused to pay for the damage then she called me crying and saying she was sorry for screaming at me etc. Hell have no fury like me when someone messes with my kids. There is nothing I won't do to protect them. But then you already know that. I really gave you a work out trying to control my temper, I am sorry for that my dear.

I am off work tomorrow so I will be coming to the cemetary to put all your fall flowers on your grave, I have some beautiful things to give you. I have 2 medical test scheduled so I took the day off I need some time to spend with you. I have not been there as much as I would like I have been so busy and that is not an excuse I am happy about.

And last but never least our oldest daughter called begging me to help her once again her engine blew up in her car and they had no money to even begin to get it fixed. I stayed strong and said NO and she finally broke me down so once again $2,000 I handed out for her. I am tired of taking care of everything, why can't his mother ever help and I get the same old story she won't or she has no money blah blah... I told her guess what I am broke now from taking care of your problems who is going to help me?  It does not matter what I say she only thinks of herself and feels she is intitled to me paying for things. Our daughter knows I will do anything for my granddaughter. I think that was a leverage for her, She told me she was paying me back $ 200.00 a month and she sent me the baby's benefit card so I can withdraw my money each month and send her the rest to pay bills. I thought well maybe I will get paid back this time but each week I get a call and her trying to change the payment arrangements again, first the baby needs a new car seat, NO I said you find another way, then she wanted to buy her something for Christmas, I told her NO she is 7 months old she will not know her parents did not get her anything she will get plenty from everyone else. So each week she calls and rambles on with another problem. Terrible to say but it was better when we did not speak I did not have this constant begging and guilt trips to deal with. Today she calls on my lunch hour while I was trying to run some errands asking me if I can find somewhere to take the baby for the H1N1 vaccine, they are out in her state.

I am worn out and what a thing to write about, PROBLEMS. I hope my stress test goes well tomorrow maybe I can start breathing again. I really want to be left alone, I love our children but they are draining the life out of me. Why can't these 3 adult children make it on their own? I want you to come back I need you I can't do this alone. I will fall apart soon come back please.

I  am done I typed out all my frustrations got it off my chest somewhat. I had to laugh last night when your friends said if you were here you would have knocked the crap out of  that idiot son in law,and there would not have been all these issues with our children. Done!!!! Your word was it. No more whining it was over and they respected that.

I would be happy, smiling and laughing again. I would sleep at night knowing you were by my side. My husband with his big tender heart how could god take you from me. My days would not drag like forever. Now I watch and listen as others talk about what they did last night or last weekend with their husbands and all I can do is smile a fake smile and act happy for them when I really want to say is I don't care I don't want to hear about your romantic weekends. I am rude and heartless now my happiness is gone I have been so unhappy for 2 years now and the pain won't go away. HORRIBLE UNBEARABLE PAIN PLEASE STOP.

Done.

Forever yours,

'HERE WITHOUT YOU"