Today has been a day of improvements, …
Today has been a day of improvements, thank goodness. Rachel's ANC has jumped from a grand total of 30 yesterday, to …
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finishline 
It is Friday and I have been going through my old emails and deleting things I no longer need when I came across the last email you sent me at work and it made me so sad. I look at the date of it and it was just 3 weeks after you were told you had terminal cancer.
LOVE YOU
!!!!! 
IT WILL ALL WORK OUT TRY TO FOCUS 
ON THE GOOD WE HAVE
This from my dear husband, the love of my life, the guy I use to laugh at for typing with one finger and taking forever to type a sentence. I know this must have taken you about 20 minutes to type but my love I will cherish it forever because it is special to me. I wish it would have all worked out I remember getting this and knowing you would beat this you never ever let me down and cancer would not get you. God saw things differently and he made his decision. I know it was not yours.
These work weeks are getting longer and the weekends shorter. Your buddies always make sure they invite me to things since you have been gone. I am going to dinner & a concert Saturday with them. It is very nice for them to include me, but it is somewhat painful also because of all the many times we all got together in the past. You were always the life of the party your charm and good sense of humor made everyone laugh and have a great time. God how much I miss you, I read your words FOCUS ON THE GOOD WE HAVE, and I want to scream I HAD IT I HAD IT I HAD IT.
April has been calling me everyday and now her car engine blew up, she won't ask me for money she knows I will not hand her another cent but she still calls to run down all her problems so my heart aches with guilt. But I just look at the thousands I have handed her already and never once has she ever paid me back a cent. She let the idiot take over her car and he destroyed it again. I paid for brakes twice, car payments, insurance, repossession, new tires and a two oil changes. I am waiting to hear her ask if she could borrow Glenn Jr.'s car until she gets hers fixed which I would not allow that idiot to touch my son's car whether or not he drives it I know how Dave destroys everything he touches and I am not going there. She still owes so much money on that 2006 car she will be making payments for 6 more years due to their credit and him never working. You told her not to get that car but she did not listen now she is paying and so is my granddaughter. She is supposed to go to NIH for her Lung Scans to see if her tumors have spread and if she will be having surgery anytime soon.
This is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I try to stay strong and not give in to her but I also look at having 4 brain surgeries, 1 lung surgery she can't walk, she has other health issues, she has never had the simple things in life girls her age have. She married a loser who will never be able to provide for her, she had a baby girl she can't even carry and she will never be able to do little things we take for granted like push a stroller, she has never went on a vacation like her sister does with her girlfriends. She just sits at home with no one but the baby and the idiot when he is home and is so very limited to what she can do. I would love to be able to take her on a vacation somewhere but it is so hard to get her around places. I feel is something happens to her I will never live with myself. But if I keep handing her money to bail her out I will be broke and if something happens to me and I can't work who will help me.
Selfish or not I don't know what to do. At any time these tumors in her brain or lungs could kill her the doctors have not said that but hell they never do sometimes. So I am very worried and I don't know what to do. If I give her money I will never see a penny of it back she can never repay it nor will he. Everytime he gets his hands on any money he spends it even if it is not his.
The last collection agent who called wanted money from when she sold Avon hell the idiot found her money to pay Avon and he took it and they came after her a year later for it so she had to pay them. This is common for Dave he is the most low life piece of dog crap I have ever met. Of course his mother says she can't help them.....like I told April when has she ever done a thing. Not once in all the time you have been together has she paid or helped out so why should I feel so bad it is her son that is the loser.
Well my love I defeated my purpose again. The issues with our children are consuming me. They have stressed me out to the point I have increased my Zanax and on top of the kids now my beloved dog is going downhill. I think he has lost his hearing, his legs are bad and you know how much I loved my German Sheppard he was like another one of my children.
I am so depressed right now I just want to let it go and enjoy my day out with your friends and not have to think of all my problems with our adult children. Think about when we were 18 we were working and planning our wedding, our 18yr old son has never worked a day in his life, our daughters still can't make it. We had children and married at their ages and we did just fine we had a wonderful life full of your gentle smile and big heart. Everyone said we had a once in a lifetime relationship and that is what I hold onto. True love like ours only comes once.
All my love to you,
Forever in my heart
'HERE WITHOUT YOU" 
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Jut know that you are in my thougts and prayers, and I think now we have to focus on what good we HAD... You are so right, we too were married young with children, we sacrificed, we struggled, we MADE IT... IT is such a different world out there today... Always know that he is ALWAYS with you, in your heart, I truly know that some days that is NOT enough...... Hugs,
alicea
I am so sorry you are going thru such a tough time, it doesnt help any that your kids cant help you or help themselves.Kids today are different from when we were that age. Its not anyones fault I guess it just the way it is. Kids today take to much for granted, and yes we do give in to them. Im lucky that my daughter who is 18, has been working the same job for 3 yrs now, she put off going to college for a year. She helps me out with the bills, she pays her own car insurance and gas. I bought her the car but it helps me not having to take her places. My oldest is different, he works but he is always in a mood it seems. I have to tell him the way it is, he needs to help with the bills, at least the cell phone and cable because he uses it. Its still cheaper then living on your own I tell him.
Dont beat yourself up over any of it, you are doing the best you can and your kids are old enough to realize it. You have to live your life and be happy. Life is too short, we found that out. Thinking of you, hugs, Deb
winelover98
As always reading your letters to your beloved makes me weep. I am not trying to sound selfish friend, but i want to thank you, for the reminder of how precious marriage is, My husband has cancer, and we are constantly bickering over petty things, I want the time we have left to not worry so much about financial issues, even if that just means accepting the hardship and relating with Love and Kindness..I do not want to remember us in that way,...I am sorry to go on about self...please let me just say I feel for you and thank you for making me shift my focus on the positive. leanne
spiiike
This is such a hard place to be.I know you have tried every angle and every approach, and it must feel like you are out of options. Asking yourself, what would they do if I was not here, doesn't help because of course you are. Would it help to look at things as they affect your grandchild? What would you do to help her and make a difference in her life? They are the only parents she knows and she will love them no matter what, but if you are able to make her life easier, that may help ease your pain.
I too found emails from the last time. I cry every time I see them. I can't seem to file them in a folder or even print them out. It hurts so much to see them, knowing now that they were the last ones and that just 4 short weeks later our life turned to hell.
Sending some comfort your way, as you try to sort out how to be a good parent and do the right thing for all of you.
Susan
SusanCD
I read your journal entry with sadness and with understanding. The loss never gets any easier, especially when you have been fortunate enough to have that once in a lifetime, soul mate marriage. As far as your adult children, I also share your feelings. It is difficult to say no, but it is also not written that we must sacrifice our lives and our financial comfort zone by giving them a constant way out of their constant misjudgement and poor choices. I agree with the others, this is a different generation, for sure. I would say you could recommend your daughter and grandchild be welcome in your home for food and shelter if they lose the baggage, worthless husband. God Bless YOU, it is so hard. Please don't feel guilty, you owe it to yourself and to your husband's memory to take car4e of yourself. I will pray for you. All my best, Cathy
GreekLady
I am sorry your going through this- With everything you have been though you should be getting the eaiser hand vs. the hard one- LOL
It sounds as though your really a wonderful mother and your husband was just as wonderful- It's crappy the situration your faced with!!
Your only one person- you can't keep everyone happy so maybe take some time for yourself- try and do what you think is best for YOU...
Tight hugs,
Michelle
Michelle2
Finish... My prayers and my love are with you. You are going through such a bad time. I know it is overwhelming at times. The e-mail you shared made cry for you but how fortunate you were to find it. I belive your husband was speaking to your heart telling you it will be ok. That he is watching over you. God bless you.
Melody2009