finishline's Journal

It is July 1st hard to believe that next month will be 2 years since I lost the love of my life. I can feel myself getting more depressed as if it was just last month all over. There have been many times I see that memory of him in his last seconds of life look up at me as he took his final breath and my heart just breaks all over again. The tears are pouring now just writing this. I just can't let go I have tried but he was my everything. I look at my life without him and I see a empty shell of a person who puts on a good front as if my life was fine ( a total lie) but that is what everyone wants to hear. No one wants to deal with death until it happens to them.The support group I once attended and made a few close friends with has all but ended. Those close friends were desperate to find new loves and to have someone to share thier lives with and they all have. I am happy for them but that also meant they are now not available to hang with, talk to. Me I can't even comprehend wanting to try to get involved with another man, I still have my wedding rings on and if I even think maybe I would like to just have someone to talk with or dinner I see my husband's face and know his heart and how hurt he would be and that ends it.

You would think as high school sweethearts with our ups & downs even after 32 years he was still the jealous type. He was loyal and true, he did small simple things that I have never heard of any other man doing. I miss the notes he would leave on my car seat on a piece of torn napkin from whatever fast food place he had lunch at that day, or the dragons he would buy me for my collection, or how he called me about every two hours when he was not beside me just to talk.

When I would go upstairs he could be sound asleep on the couch and within minutes he would appear upstairs asking where did you go? Its those little things that will never come back or that will not happen with anyone else. He was so special and I could see it in his eyes, they would light up when he would see me coming towards him, meeting him for dinner or whatever like it was the first time. We has a love that just does not end because he is gone. 

June 25th was our son's 18th birthday, one for the record books. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died on that day and my son's day was over-shadowed by those shocking deaths of famous people. My son would not go to his dad's grave on Father's Day I was mad and I did let him know how I felt that he could not come out of his room to honor his father on this one day. It did not seem to make any difference with him. My daughter and I went placed a large beautiful arrangement on his stone and of course the next day some low life piece of crap stole it. I get so mad at how someone could steal from a grave what possesses people to do that. Must they be so cheap to steal my husband's arrangement to what Put on the table in their house to make themselves look good. I just hope for everyone's sake I don't ever pull up and see anyone near his grave or I can guarantee one thing they will need one themselves. I have had such hatred and anger for 2 years of the things I put on my husband's grave are stolen it makes me crazy. I wanted to install a hidden nightvision camera in the bushes around his grave to record and see who was stealing but the camera cost a few hundred and what if they see the camera then that is gone. 

I am losing my mind right now I can tell by the things I am doing and how I have been reacting over things. I cry over everything, my kids think I am a total fruitloop. They just kinda walk away and go about their business because they know when they come home and mom is in bed at 6pm in the evening no dinner,no hello just locked in my room they have learned to just move on and leave me alone. The weekends I spend in bed all day and before you know it time to go back to work and I did nothing that is so bad I am so far behind in everything, it is total over5-whelmed sadness and seems like eternity or like a black hole that never ends.

Sad we hurt the ones we love the most. I lvoe my children and my granddaughter I need to get my will done NOW, just look at M. Jackson that is the key did they die without a will?

Well it is time to go back to work. I am going to look forward to a new support group tonight and see if I can find a way out of my nightmare. See what happens next.

As always my love, I love you forever and always. you are alwayson my mind and in my heart.

'HERE WITHOUT YOU"

Kim