Today has been a day of improvements, …
Today has been a day of improvements, thank goodness. Rachel's ANC has jumped from a grand total of 30 yesterday, to …
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finishline 
Well it is raining again. I am sitting at work looking at it pouring down raining thinking I wish I could turn back time. I have made some very stupid mistakes I can't take back. I mis-managed my finances and lost money somewhere and I can't figure it out. I do accounting for a living why can't I manage my own money. I get paid to handle a companies money and I am good at it but my own no I really screwed up. What in the world have I done is all I can say.
I think back to those weekly grief support group meetings and how they focused on telling us DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THE FIRST YEAR!!!! You are not in your right mind, do not get in relationships, spend money, sell or buy anything, give yourself a year to get your mind in order. Guess what they were right. I thought I was handling things OK well I didn't and now I am so screwed. There is no going back once you made the mistakes.
I have been taken advantage of by every single contractor I hired to do something. I have handed it all to my kids just to show them that they don't have to work for things in life just let Mom's guilt take care of them. Now I have lazy kids that don't want to work for things, they are good kids they do not give me much trouble but total slobs and lazy and no motovation in life. Jobs are tough now for everyone. My job is at the stressful extremely busy time and I am drained.My daughter got a job at Macy's Fulltime after being unemployed since last Nov and she has worked 1 week and has not stopped crying and complaining since day 1. I am stunned my daughter thinks nothing of the money I have handed her since last year, car payment on then new car I bought her, car insurance which is very high because she is 20 and its a sports car, cell phone which she lives on and racks up, the clothes, and of course her spending money for her nightly runs with her friends.My oldest married a low life who never works I spent over 20k bailing her out of her debits only to get screwed again from them. Last my son who never leaves his room, has no desire to do anything but play XBOX and lock himself in his room because he does not want to work or socialize. He failed his drivers test, has a truck sitting in the driveway he does not care if he ever drives, no desire to get a job and the only difference he does not ask for anything except to be left alone. Of course my guilt of him not having his dad forced me to buy him every single gaming system out and all the games to go with it. Thousands on stupid games for what?
So this is my way of telling myself what a total idiot I am and how stupid I have been and if I am screwed it is my own fault. I am to blame. If I had a backbone maybe I would have money for my future. Or in case I lose my job or have a major emergency, then what I loose my home. It happens everyday. My dear husband took care of me for 34 years and I let him down I took what he struggled to give me and destroyed it. I hope he can forgive me for what I have done. I also am praying that I find a mistake somewhere that will correct this void in my life right now. Each night I have to take sleeping pills or my mind just keeps going over all my stupid mistakes, sometimes I get myself so upset I can't breathe I feel as if I am having a heat attack but it is a panic attack so I am taking a Zanax during the day to be able to function.
So I have worked myself into another panic attack just writing this so I best get back to work and calm down. I guess there are worse things then this to deal with. I just want another chance to make it right. I am so sorry my love I really let you down.
I love you forever and always,
" HERE WITHOUT YOU"
Your clueless wife 
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It's easy to give and keep giving after we have experienced a profound loss. We have guilt and somehow making others happy seems to lessen our guilt. I speak from my own experience. When my oldest son died, I was experiencing so much grief that I didn't expect much from my other children. I wanted to "mother" them even more than before because I felt life was so fragile (which it is) and they could be taken just as easy. I allowed them to slack on chores, bought them things I would have normally made them work for. I always expected more out of my older son because he was my first and in some regards, the one who I expected to be a role model and leader. I felt guilty for putting pressure on him even though in hind sight I know it was not a bad thing but probably good parenting. I let that go with my others. Now, it's been two years and though they are wonderful children, my other three children too have become a bit lazy and less self reliant. I am slowly doing my best to turn things around. Perhaps the only way for each of our situations is to take baby steps so it isn't quite so harsh. After all they are the recipient of what we have allowed to change them, yet they do need to know that they have their own responsibilities and they need to learn how to function in the outside world. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's an easy trap to fall prey to. Just pick yourself up and have some good communication open with your kids and let them know that things are going to start to be a little different and they are going to be expected to be more responsible. I hope things work out for the best. Take care. Love Robin
Robin4
I totally agree with Robin, but remember it is NEVER to late to make things right. The first step is acknowledging our mistakes, then we can change, we CAN learn from them.. I also made some mistakes early on, some of the equipment I sold I wish I had NOW. I did keep alot, but I had to get out of our rented garage and felt pressured to rid of certain items. I worked in our own business, never really worked outside the home, so I lost that too, which in turn made me scared to spend a penny. Maybe that was a good thing... I miss though buying the grandkids little things as much, but I can give my LOVE, and it doesn't cost a dime... Things WILL work out, you just need to take those baby steps again, and maybe sit down with your children and let them know what is going on, how you feel, and what you need from them, and let them know that you ALSO know that they are hurting too, but I belive you can all pull it together. Here for you, sending special thoughts and prayers.. Hugs.
alicea